How To Steal The World

The coffee table's too good for this rubbish.

Here’s a tip for you: don’t bet on ‘How To Steal The World’ winning the Mercury Music Prize. Quite how this numbingly banal Ikea-tronica ever shunted [a]Primal Scream[/a]’s ‘Exterminator’ off the nominee list is a mystery too horrifying to fathom. But at least we know that Jackie Joyce – more Helicopter 30-something than Helicopter Girl, if the sleeve photos are anything to go by – will never get anywhere near the award money because even the token classical album’s got to be better than this garbage.

, for instance, is not Bowie-esque surrealism, it’s just a load of old bollocks that doesn’t even rhyme.

She shackles these witless musings to the sound of drum loops salvaged from the mid-’80s and the kind of trip-hop ‘ambience’ even knackered fools like Morcheeba have disowned. The coffee table’s too good for this rubbish.

Mercury judges, you know where you can shove it.