For an aging '70s crooner whom The Kids will no doubt dismiss either as a new kind of Teletubby or that two-headed fella from [I][B]The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy[/B][/I], there are two paths t

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For an aging ’70s crooner whom The Kids will no doubt dismiss either as a new kind of Teletubby or that two-headed fella from [I]The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy[/I], there are two paths to comeback glory on offer. There is the way of honour: the spot on [I]National Lottery Live[/I], the duet with [a]Elvis Costello[/a], the arrest for lewd behaviour in a public lavatory. And there is the way of the scoundrel: the 20-year-old ‘Greatest Hits’ album posted off to the University Of Quickbuck, Alabama (shite techno dept).

Not that you can blame Engelbert Humperdinck (a Latino phrase meaning ‘Tom Jones with no testes’) for his modest cache of hits (‘Release Me’, ‘The Last Waltz’, ‘Quando Quando Quando’, all soon to be featured on [I]Wedding Receptions From Hell[/I]) being smothered by the sound of an electric piano being given some rather frantic hot lovin’ by DJ Smegcheese from your local Ritzy’s. After all, the chances are some tosser who used to produce KWS probably realised that a remix of the theme from [I]The Fast Show [/I]might earn him some swift moolah and Engie‘s nurses simply lifted his face out of his cat food in agreement to the project.

Think Steps‘Tragedy’ sung by a rubbish Neil Diamond for an hour. Now have a long lie down.