Disappointing first album from Scouse Destiny's Child
Let’s get straight to it. Atomic Kitten are brilliant for two reasons. Firstly, the savagely oxymoronic name combines sex with violence (like Sex Pistols and Take That) AND cuteness.
And secondly (of course), AK are ace ‘cos of ‘Whole Again’. Blatantly copying Burt Bacharach’s ‘Walk On By’ AND Sinead O’Connor’s version of Prince’s ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ AND All Saints’ ‘Never Ever’ – on the one hand it’s yer bog-standard “boo hoo, my bloke’s left me” ballad but, far more importantly and potently, it’s also saying, “Look at me with my low-slung hipsters, my flat stomach, straight hair and passably regular features. I can have any bloke I want. A male model or a footballer or the straight one out of (insert boyband). But no. I want YOU. Just you, you wonky-faced, beer-gutted, non-celebrity, feverishly wanking normo-geek.” Add to that the
two seconds of total pop ecstasy where
Lil (or is it Jenny, or Natasha?) goes “[I]Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah![/I]” AND a suitably seductive sex-vid, and it’s little wonder that ‘Whole Again’ dragged Atomic Kitten out of the pop grave and initiated the frantic rush to replace the pregnant and departed gingery-blonde Kerry Katona with the blondishly-ginger Jenny (or was it Natasha, or Lil?).
OK, so the lazy follow-up cover of The Bangles’ ultra-gloopy, fake-orgasmic [I]über[/I]-ballad ‘Eternal Flame’ is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. And, as the critics are so desperately keen to keep on telling us, AK ain’t no Destiny’s Child. But so what? The fact is that AK have conquered the ickle girl, camp gay AND dirty ole man markets and, for this week (and this week only), they are the cock-a-hoop, lustily crowing ding-dong King Kongs of Britpop. Which leaves only one (hugely irrelevant) question: is the rest of the album any frikkin’good? And the answer is (of course): no, don’t be daft. It’s shite. Apart from the brill Daphne & Celeste oldie ‘See Ya’, obviously. What a shocker.