The Marshall Suite

Mmm, let's talk about sweeties! M&M's are the grey squirrels of the confectionery world, driving the indigenous British Smartie to the verge of extinction....

Mmm, let’s talk about sweeties! M&M’s are the grey squirrels of the confectionery world, driving the indigenous British Smartie to the verge of extinction. A Bounty Bar, on the other hand, is the Brit equivalent of Oreo – a black accused of being white ‘on the inside’. Credibility, authenticity and ownership are what this whole thing’s about, baby (the sweeties, of course, are just metaphors).

The facts are these: rap is a black pop music that sells shitloads to baggy-arsed white boys who are derided on all sides as ‘wiggas’ and the more that black rappers wallow in the degrading, sexist, homophobic and dehumanising ‘gangsta’ stereotype, the more the wiggas lap it up. So that’s cool. Everybody’s happy. Almost.

But the Yank music biz is run by thick-as-pig-shit racists. Black folks making millions selling black music to white folks? Can’t have that! Got to cut out the middle man! Got to find themselves a rap Elvis. A hip-hop Jagger. A superfly white guy. In short – a Wonder-Wigga!

Sheeeeeee-it! Fuck this shit! Jus’ listen to the fucken’ record, homey! OK! Hmm, this [a]Eminem[/a] sure is a squeaky muthafukka! And funny.

“Hey kids, you like violence?/You wanna see me stick nine inch nails through my eyelids?” ARF! When [a]Eminem[/a]’s in obnoxious Itchy’n’Scratchy meets Benny Hill mode (like on the opening ‘Public Service Announcement’) he’s hilarious (misogynist and homophobic but undeniably hilarious). But when he gets all pious and whining and develops a social conscience (like on ‘If I Had’), then – ugh! He fucken’ SUCKS!

Hey, chill! This is basically a clever-as-fuck, thick-as-shit comedy album. A one man reverse-minstrel show, The Jerky Boys with back beats. If you’re retarded, stoned or 12 then you’re going to absolutely love it. To death.

But let’s finish by getting PC on the muthafukka’s ass! Why do all the women on this CD end up raped, battered or slaughtered white meat? You got a problem? Huh? Aw, it’s a joke, innit?! A larf! You’d have to be thick not to get it! Aw, fuck RIGHT off! One day a tuff lezzer is going to twat you right between those baby-blue eyes and stomp your spotty white ass and guess what – you’re gonna be all surprised, aintcha? Diddums.