Vortex Phenomenon

This IS the future of rock'n'roll. And it sounds like thicko-punkroids Sham 69 being attacked by slavering robot dogs in a nuclear minefield...

Bald, katemossskinny, cocaine-faced Borg - semensticky copies of Skin Two sticking out the back-pockets of their ultra-tite baby-seal-skin bondage keks - prowl amongst the crowds of puppyishly pogoing tekno-anarko punk scum, sneering. My God! Tribalism! Attitude! sTyLekrieg! The Digital Hardcore Revolution have dug up yoofkulture's limp corpse, injected rabid nanobots into its watery bloodstream and wired its nads to an oversized car battery ` la Pinochet. Now watch the knackered ole bastard dance! Badly!

"This one is called 'Hunt Down The Nazis And Kill Them!'," gibbers Alec Empire Teutonically. And ATR go, "POCKAPOCKA thrrruuuuuummm! POW! POW! POW! KABOOM! AAAAAAARGH!"

"This one is called 'Destroy 2,000 Years Of Culture!'," rants Herr Empire apocalyptically. And ATR go drum-machine Vorsprung durch Teknik punk-rock slap-the-banana-out-of-the-hand-of-a-'roid-raging-bull-chimp verr|ckt!

These are PROPER subjects for songs! None of your depressing watching a mate die 'cos his drugs are rubbish bollocks! Fuck! No! We want 'Deutchschland Has Gotta Die!' We want 'Fuck All!', 'Sick To Death' and the epic, hilarious and gratuitously violent 'Raverbasher!'. Yeah! Kill a twat-hatted E-zombie for Jesus NOW!

This IS the future of rock'n'roll. And it sounds like thicko-punkroids Sham 69 being attacked by slavering robot dogs in a nuclear minefield. Cool!

The mic is thrust into the gaping gobs of the idiot anarchist audience with hilarious results.

"You are so superior!" moos a bovine anarko-earthmother. "Why do your records cost '12 instead of '6?" whines a mock-cockernee yogurt-knitter. "Shut the fuck up and play some fucking music!" scream that proportion of the crowd who haven't been brain damaged by juggling and a vegan diet. So they DO! And it's ACE! And then the anarchocow and the yoghurt-knitter and the Borg didn't get up onstage during ATR's cover-versh of Sham's 'If The Kids Are United' and weep and hug and, like, totally kick the band's equipment into smoking slag while sipping cups of herbal tea 'cos, like, proper tea is theft, maaaaaaaaaan!

I have seen the future of rock'n'roll and it is a gibbering, snot-dribbling, anarkozombie moron! Dig up the dead and give them shit drum machines and sharpened axes and point them in the direction of Belle & Sebastian with instructions to sample their wimpish death screams. NOW!
6 / 10

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