Gates, Gareth : What My Heart Wants To Say

...you could soon be only the second saddest twat clogging up the charts...

Of course, what G-G-G-Gareth’s little ticker actually screams is ‘Loser! Loser! Loser!’ Coming second has got him voted Britain’s most irritating celebrity by a tabloid and given him the dubious honour of having his virginity stolen by walking surgical disaster Jordan and not the far more attractive capitalism. Sadly it also means this - more soulless ballad slush that confirms the wee fella as the world’s most anodyne, personality deficient teenager. Jesus, even Will Young must be laughing his kecks wet. Still, right now some sap in Fame Academy is dreaming of claiming all this for themselves. So look on the bright side Gareth, you could soon be only the second saddest twat clogging up the charts.

Jim Alexander

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