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Our hearts break for Drake: he’s shame-facedly sexing up porn stars but he “don’t trust these hos”, even checking their phones when they go to the bathroom. The tragedy of today’s youth: mo’ pussy, mo’ problems, as my grandma always says. The moral? Get a phone passcode if you’re going to have a peek at what loo roll Drake uses. At least he’s rapping rather than having a misery-sing, but Rick Ross is just speaking slowly about buying cars and doing murder.

Issy Sampson

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