Fiona Apple
Paper Bag(Sony)
You read 'singer-songwriter' in a press release and your left eye twitches. You emit short, sharp, excited yelps and you start to drool. Singer-songwriters! A modern plague! Stool-sitting, acoustic strumming, 'nice turn of phrase'-quipping dog's arseholes, every fucking one of them. From Weller downwards, all the away to Dick 'Peggy' Ashcroft. And what's the obvious contraction of singer-songwriter? Yeah, that's right -
SS! Coincidence? Yeah, probably, 'cos the fuckers are too DULL
to be Nazis. Boring, boring,
boring BASTARDS!
Right? No, WRONG! You see all that is only true of male singer-songwriters. Especially ones called 'Stuart', 'Elliott' or 'Jeff'. Female singer-songwriters, on the other hand, are cool - especially if they're Canadian, as mad as a biscuit-tin full of epileptic grasshoppers, rumoured to be lesbian and unable to properly define the word 'irony'. Why is this so? Dunno, it defies logic. It just is, in the same way that salt'n'vinegar is the best crisp flavour and red and green should never be seen and hedgehogs always know when it's going to rain. Rum buggers, facts.
STEVEN WELLS
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