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A modern tale of the Asbo-tastic junk food-fed kids, probably wearing hoodies (© Daily Mail), nicking Jarvis’ phone. And if the idea of old-school Cocker actually owning such a modern accoutrement fills you with depression, take it up with your fellow indignant masses on your messageboard. Classic Jarvis, then, and despite it being no “Umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh” the chorus “Fat children took my life” is one for the terraces. Did you expect anything else?

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