It was fun. It would have been a lot more fun had I been 14 and projectile-vomitingly paralytic on snakebite...

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Leeds Cockpit


Leeds Cockpit

It was fun. It would have been a lot more fun had I been 14 and projectile-vomitingly paralytic on snakebite, and fanatically committed to having a bodily fluid-spurting good time come what fucking may! And a girl, obviously. Wah-[I]HEY![/I] Control yourselves! It was the best of gigs, it was the worst of gigs. The spectacle of the Sunny D Generation (ee, it were all [a]Fields Of The Nephilim[/a] round here in my day!) twatted out of their tinies, spitting like camels on crack while generally behaving like mad monkeys on Jacob’s Ladder-style experimental CIA combat acid was enough to make anybody over the age of, ooh, say 15, puke in disgust. Like that lass onstage now, chundering like a dog. But [I]she’s [/I]puking because she accepted Pennsylvanian rap-rockers The Bloodhound Gang‘s challenge to drink an entire crate of lukewarm fizzy pop for $100. The mad bastard. But don’t you worry, it gets madder.

The Gang‘s guitarist is wearing a Leeds Utd shirt. “That’s a cool shirt!” says rapper/singer Jimmy Pop. Some of the crowd roar.

“And later he’s going to go out and beat up some Asians!” carries on witty Jimmy. Some of the crowd boo. A fair few gape open-mouthed at the stage and gasp, “What the fuck!?” And some, a minority but far too fucking many, cheer and flash the devil sign. The stupid little pig-ignorant wankers. Why are they cheering? Because beating up Asians is cool? What the fuck is going through your wanky little minds, eh? You shit-eating scumbags.

For those of you who don’t read papers, a couple of Leeds players were recently questioned by police following a racist attack on a young Asian man. So, like we say – “What the fuck!?” And five minutes later, superbly muscled, blond-giant bassist Evil Jared Hasselhoff is goose-stepping around the stage with a Hitler ‘tache, like John Cleese on steroids! I repeat – what the fuck!? This isn’t the nice part of Islington, this is the shitty party of Leeds, this is quite literally less than 500 yards away from the pavement outside a city centre pub where this writer once had the shit kicked out of him by a gang of pissed-up fascist dickheads. One more time – what the fuck is going on here?

This has got to be one of the [I]stupidest [/I]gigs ever. The crowd gob on the band. The band gob on the crowd. The crowd gob on each other. The band gob on each other. Stage-divers are seized, given a vicious ‘wedgie’ and hurled back into the flob-smothered and violently bopping mob. A lass clambers onstage, grabs the mic and screeches like a fiend from hell. Evil Jared Hasselhoff reaches down the back of her trousers and lifts her off the ground by her knickers. She carries on screeching, oblivious.

“I’m going to suck your fucking cock!” roars Jimmy Pop at a heckler. Then he peels a banana.

“Hello, where are you from?” says Jimmy to the banana.

“I’m from Leeds!” replies Jimmy, in his best Dick Van Dyke in [I]Mary Poppins [/I]mock-cockernee accent. Jimmy then deep-throats the banana with obviously practised panache.

Do the predominantly female and universally pissed teens down the front go mad? No, they’re already mad. They arrived mad. They’ll go home mad. They probably froth in their sleep. What they did was they [I]gobbed[/I], [I]spat[/I] and [I]expectorated[/I]. With gusto. It was [I]disgusting[/I]!

Political incorrectness gone mad? A Dionysian walk-on-the-wild side too far? [I]What the fuck[/I]? Oh yeah, and some music got played. I think.