Spectacular really isn't the word. Though extravaganza might be...
So anyway, tonight’s Top Ten moments are:
1. KYLIE AHOY!
Glasgow on a freezing, blustery night suddenly becomes a tropical heatwave with the lady herself appearing from the ceiling on a bloody great sequinned anchor, prior to banging through ‘Loveboat’. Crikes-a-blimey!
2. POLE-DANCE FRENZY!
Younger readers: Olivia Newton-John is a not-as-good Kylie from the past – and she did a keep-fit anthem by the name of ‘Physical’. Except when Kylie does it tonight it’s a sex song with lots of pole-dancing. What a pervlady!
3. NEW MATERIAL!
Kylie breaks the law of concerts by performing a new song that IS NOT RUBBISH. It is called ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’, which may or may not be about oral sex (probably not, to be honest), and it sounds like spooky robot popstars Kraftwerk being done by Modjo, ie ace.
4. IT’S THE ’80s!
‘Spinning Around’ goes all legwarmery with dancers and Kylie pretending to be mid-80s-style fools. What an encore. Oh yes.
5. BOTTOMS AND BOOBS!
Ladies with mobile chests and men with mobile packets: Kylie’s dancers have
something for everyone. Kylie, it should be noted, also has (a) a bottom and (b)
two boobs, all three of which are fairly evident throughout.
6. THE OVERTURE!
A series of Kylie hits performed in an orchestral stylee – it’s ‘a bit’ Pet Shop Boys!
7. ROBBIE STAYS AWAY!
By rights, with Robbie Williams absent, ‘Kids’ should be rubbish tonight – except when the place erupts for the chorus it quite clearly isn’t. Ban Robbie from all Kylie shows!
8. LIGHT YEARS AHEAD, ETC!
The stage turns into a massive old spaceship with flashing lights and all that kind of stuff for ‘Lightyears’. And Kylie should know what space is like, because she actually WENT INTO SPACE for the ‘Put Yourself In My Place’ video. (Fact!)
Big grand piano wheeled on for ‘I Should Be So Lucky’. So it’s been done before: so what!
10. MEDLEY TIME!
Eminem’s not the only one who’s allowed to cut his best songs short after only a
verse and one chorus – Kylie’s 80s medley sees everything from ‘Step Back In Time’ to ‘Turn It Into Love’ whizz by on her hyperpop supermarket checkout! Does Sir want cashback? No fucking way!
And there we have it.
TONIGHT’S VITAL STATISTICS
Dancers: 8 (4 male, 4 female)
Ticket price: 20 quid
Price per song: 87 pence
Merchandise: ‘Camp Kylie’ T-shirts save the day
Costume changes: Countless
Set list: Overture | ‘Love Boat’ | ‘My Kookachoo’ | ‘Hand On Your Heart’ | ‘Put Yourself In My Place’ | ‘On A Night Like This’ | 80s medley | ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ | ‘Your Disco Needs You’ | ‘I Should Be So Lucky’ | ‘Better The Devil You Know’ | ‘So Now Goodbye’ | ‘Physical’ | ‘Butterfly’ | ‘Confide In Me’ | ‘Kids’ | ‘Shocked’ | ‘Light Years’ | ‘What Do I Have To Do?’ | ‘Spinning Around’