allSTARS : London Astoria G-A-Y

SM:TV muchkins allSTARS promote debut single 'Best Friends' with almost-Popstars Darius and Clare in support...

Tonight’s event is billed as ‘TV Stars Become Pop Stars’. Rather unfortunate since two of tonight’s acts famously failed to become members of the all-conquering Hear’Say and the others have a name certain to cause confusion with the show that spawned them.

First up is Claire Freeland. Rejected by Nasty Nigel for, er, aesthetic reasons, she is here to ‘have it large’ and promote her debut single ‘Free’. Released on her own label Statuesque (a grand euphemism for ‘big boned’ surely?) ‘Free’ is an anthem for all those fellow wannabes discarded on the rocky road to stardom. Think how lucky you are to have escaped the indignities of a ‘proper’ record deal with all the loathsome riches, fame, and success it entails. Never really wanted to be in the group in the first place did you? Next!

Darius. Good grief. He enters the stage like Norman Wisdom, all stumbling and lost looking. He takes the mic and delivers a five minute ‘comedy’ monologue in a fake Spanish accent. The audience is stunned into silence. He introduces his band: “These are the three amigos. They were in a programme called ‘Porn Stars’ and this song is called ‘Suck Me Baby One More Time’.” And it is as well! Unbelievably, >Darius has re-written the entire song as a comedy number about… well, here are a few choice lines: [I]”I must confess you make me cream my jeans”[/I], or how about [I]”I need you near to come in your ear”[/I]?

The audience is stunned into disgust. Then he really blows it. The accent is dropped and he delivers an angry rant about how no one is allowed an opinion in this country before singing a self-composed lament on being one’s self and being free (they’re obsessed – were they press-ganged onto Popstars?) The audience is stunned into loud shouting and throwing things. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. Next!

In case you don’t know, allSTARS are a fresh-out-of-stage-school, all singing, all dancing combo with their own fictional TV show.

Oh, I’m a big fan. ‘Tina’s doing her thing, Bradley’s sat on a swing!’

No that’s S Club. This lot are on ITV and they live in a house together.

Ah, that lot with the mum and the little one who isn’t in the group. The lead singer’s pregnant and duetting with Russell Watson.

You’re thinking of Cleopatra. Pregnant you say?


Russell Watson?

I don’t think it’s his.

Look, you must’ve seen it. Each week something mysterious and unexplained happens.

And the curly haired one has to solve it using his knowledge of magic and illusion?

That’s Jonathan Creek, and you’re being silly now. allSTARS have a single, in the shops now, called ‘Best Friends’ which might do quite well. And they perform a version of Duran Duran’s ‘Is There Something I Should Know’ minus the line about nuclear war (presumably because nuclear war is [I]sooo[/I] ’80s). Shame, as it could have been quite topical now that George ‘Dubya’ is talking about ‘son of Star Wars’.

I hate JarJar Binks.

Shut up. Next!

Timothy Mark