Britney Spears : Nassau Coliseum, New Jersey

You would never listen to these songs on your own, but this is a show that has to be seen by all that can afford it...

I’m just going to take it for granted that nobody over 14 actually listens to Britney Spears. If you do, you certainly weren’t at her show. I am a 31-year-old, non-hairdressing male and, among 18,000 people, I felt pretty isolated. Face it, she’s for eight-year-olds.

That said, the Britney Spears live show is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Even if you’re the drummer from Morbid Angel I highly recommend checking it out – it made Broadway, the circus and all of Las Vegas look like a high school play. During the song ‘Anticipating’, for example, we’re shown a gigantic video of a young girl doing chalk drawings of cars and houses. In the video the girl’s drawings slowly come to life, and the next thing you know Britney is onstage driving around in the same chalk drawing car the video girl just drew on the screen! It’s like being on liquid acid.

Later on, for ‘…Baby One More Time’ she brings in a man-made thunder cloud. The entire stage is drenched in actual pouring fucking rain! Britney comes out of the centre of the torrents dressed in cowboy rain gear and then dances around getting totally soaked. You can talk about the sexualisation of young girls all you want but seeing a chubby-thighed wet girl dance all over a $3.2million stage is – for the lack of a better word – neato.

There’s little wrong with the show itself, then; but the lip-synching is disappointing and the encore too short, too. You’d think Britneyco Inc could give those eight-year-old girls more than two extra minutes for their dad’s $130.

The other downside is the inevitable side effect of being in a stadium filled with little girls screaming their faces off. The ‘eeeeeep’ sound is so shrill and loud it sounds like a home fire alarm but a thousand times stronger. For at least two days after the show everyone’s speech sounds to me like, “Whrrry thrr frrrck drrrd yourrrr gorr toorr arrr Brrtnrry Sprrsrr Shrrr?”

Despite a few minor flaws like that and the fact that you would never listen to these songs on your own, this is a show that has to be seen by all that can afford it.

Gavin McInnes