We feel conflicted. Out toes tap. Our mouth smiles...
A – aye? The consensus is that A were OK. But now the
chaps have suddenly become smack-dandy cool with a new
LP that’s the bee’s knees. Or at least panders to the
sensibilities of those millions of young yank-o-phile
chaps with skateboards, big pants and the barely
repressed desire to romp naked with Fred Durst.
To which we reply – [I]quell bolleaux![/I]. A have
always been top entertainment. Their bag being
slightly wonky pogo-rock with unsubtle shoutable
comedy choruses. Good stuff. And all that’s really
changed is that the ageing Suffolk scamps have upped
the riffage, yankage and octaves. With the strange
result that they now sound even more like extremely
annoying ’80’s mid-tempo cod-reggae/soft-rock combo
The Police. Except rockier.. The question being – is
this a good thing?
“This is sort of a homecoming gig!” grins Leeds-born
gobshite Jason Perry. “We’ve probably had all your
mums!” he continues, a cheeky twinkle in his slightly
“YAY!” say the sweaty crowd.
“And your dads!”
“YAY!” says the crowd. Again. The fact that a
lemon-blonde poltroon sporting a dodgy sun-visor has
just claimed to have enjoyed penetrative sex with
their fathers not phasing them in the slightest.
And then A crack into, ‘Old Folks’, ‘Cheeky Monkey’,
‘Lake Tahoe’ or ‘Monkey Kong’ or one of their other
brilliant, romping, honking, bellowing, shit-hot fun
Great. Groovy. But hang on. Look closely at Jason. Not
only is he singing exactly like Sting, The EXACT
pitch, the EXACT cadence. But now he’s dancing like
him. EXACTLY. And we ask again – IS THIS A GOOD THING?
Jase takes the affectionate piss out of W a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife,
showing us how they dress and dance like “sailors on
shore leave”. Which is dangerous. Because what’s wrong
with a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife that a decent singer and some decent
songs couldn’t cure? OK, so Jase would have to spend a
year or so sweating his guts out in a gym but ask
yourself this – would you rather have this fine
collection of rompy-pompy feel-good anthems sung at
you by a bunch of clean-limbed, good looking young
boys – or a bunch of wonky-faced, slightly pot-bellied
and probably smelly old rockers?
So a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife are “uncool” but The Police – and more
specifically Sting (fucking STING – the blonde Bono,
the world’s only posh Geordie) – are cool!? Really?
When the fuck did this happen? Has the world gone mad?
We feel conflicted. Out toes tap. Our mouth smiles.
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Our hips wiggle. But our brains scream in tortured
agony – STING! FUCKING STING! AYEEEEEEEEEEE!