A : Leeds University

We feel conflicted. Out toes tap. Our mouth smiles...

A – aye? The consensus is that A were OK. But now the

chaps have suddenly become smack-dandy cool with a new

LP that’s the bee’s knees. Or at least panders to the

sensibilities of those millions of young yank-o-phile

chaps with skateboards, big pants and the barely

repressed desire to romp naked with Fred Durst.

To which we reply – [I]quell bolleaux![/I]. A have

always been top entertainment. Their bag being

slightly wonky pogo-rock with unsubtle shoutable

comedy choruses. Good stuff. And all that’s really

changed is that the ageing Suffolk scamps have upped

the riffage, yankage and octaves. With the strange

result that they now sound even more like extremely

annoying ’80’s mid-tempo cod-reggae/soft-rock combo

The Police. Except rockier.. The question being – is

this a good thing?

“This is sort of a homecoming gig!” grins Leeds-born

gobshite Jason Perry. “We’ve probably had all your

mums!” he continues, a cheeky twinkle in his slightly

wrinkled eye

“YAY!” say the sweaty crowd.

“And your dads!”

“YAY!” says the crowd. Again. The fact that a

lemon-blonde poltroon sporting a dodgy sun-visor has

just claimed to have enjoyed penetrative sex with

their fathers not phasing them in the slightest.

And then A crack into, ‘Old Folks’, ‘Cheeky Monkey’,

‘Lake Tahoe’ or ‘Monkey Kong’ or one of their other

brilliant, romping, honking, bellowing, shit-hot fun


Great. Groovy. But hang on. Look closely at Jason. Not

only is he singing exactly like Sting, The EXACT

pitch, the EXACT cadence. But now he’s dancing like

him. EXACTLY. And we ask again – IS THIS A GOOD THING?

Jase takes the affectionate piss out of W a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife,

showing us how they dress and dance like “sailors on

shore leave”. Which is dangerous. Because what’s wrong

with a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife that a decent singer and some decent

songs couldn’t cure? OK, so Jase would have to spend a

year or so sweating his guts out in a gym but ask

yourself this – would you rather have this fine

collection of rompy-pompy feel-good anthems sung at

you by a bunch of clean-limbed, good looking young

boys – or a bunch of wonky-faced, slightly pot-bellied

and probably smelly old rockers?

So a href=”http://westlife.nme.com”>Westlife are “uncool” but The Police – and more

specifically Sting (fucking STING – the blonde Bono,

the world’s only posh Geordie) – are cool!? Really?

When the fuck did this happen? Has the world gone mad?

We feel conflicted. Out toes tap. Our mouth smiles.

Our hips wiggle. But our brains scream in tortured


Steven Wells