Rammstein : London Docklands Arena

If the next band you see don't have flame throwers and massive explosions, then boo them...

WHOOOOMPHF! The mad bastards are wearing 20ft long napalm-flame spewing fuckmasks. This is great! It’s all like shouting – “URK! ARK! UMLAUT RAUS!” – and killer riffs and fucking blowing shit the fuck up. Hey! Why aren’t all gigs like this? KABOOOOM! Jesus fuck! That is a strap-on-dildo, right? We only ask because superbly muscled lead-singer Till Lindemann sports a massive packet anyway. He must have a cock like a small python. He is just so butch. So male. So WOOF!

In fact Rammstein are The Village People restyled by Hieronymous Bosch. No – they’re the Pet Shop Boys with a very bad headache. No – they’re Erasure gone utterly and irrevocably insane. No – they’re Frankie Goes To Hollywood – but WITH BOMBS!

The key to Rammstein‘s genius is that they have recognised metal’s essential gayness and gone the whole hog. In fact they’ve bought the hog farm, pumped the swine full of steroids, fitted them with stainless steel tusks and then blown the porcine motherfuckers the fuck up.

A new standard has been set. If the next band you see don’t have flame throwers and massive explosions, then boo them. They are ripping you off.

Steven Wells