Aguilera, Christina : London Astoria G-A-Y

...a whopping £17 for three songs...

For an ordinary G-A-Y performance a band will clear the Astoria’s stage of dancing punters ten minutes before appearing on that very same stage to skid around on beer and jizz for twenty minutes. Unsurprisingly, this is not the case for Ms Aguilera. The stage is evacuated for one hour and forty minutes of scrubbing and mopping in advance of – as she would say – “mah arRIVAL!” during which time heavies haul troublemakers out of the audience and the audience are requested not to light any cigarettes, which is a bit like a red rag to a bull that smokes. It’s all fantastically dramatic and when Xtina does appear – arse inside trousers, a little disappointingly – it’s like Madge is in the house.

Quite right too, as tonight Aguilera is ace as ace can be. Even though she only performs three songs, meaning that she and her six dancers barely produce even one millilitre of collective sweat – let alone cause it to run all over her bo-deh. After opening with ‘Dirrty’ and knocking off an album track (ie controversially NOT ‘Genie In A Bottle’) Christina flees the stage and returns wearing even more clothes than before, which is hardly the point at all, but she saves the day with a triumphant reading of ‘Beautiful’ which is a bloody great song that has Gays kissing in the video so everyone goes mental and forgets they’ve paid a whopping £17 for three songs.

Peterr Robinson