London King's Cross Water Rats

Imagine [a]Gary Glitter[/a] if he'd gone punk and forgotten how to write a chorus...

More songs about cars and girls, then. Only the cars are dented Mustangs and the girls are malicious. And the songs? Thunderous burnt-rubber, goth-garage guitar assaults.

Yeah, whatever. That's the image, that's the hype: Creation's newest mob are making the kind of noise Kowalski hears as he speeds across the desert in Vanishing Point, edgy, swaggering, raucous music that could almost be THE STOOGES if you don't listen too hard. The reality is less inspiring. Imagine Gary Glitter if he'd gone punk and forgotten how to write a chorus. Imagine the guitar intro to 'Jean Genie' extended for three minutes while ANDREW ELDRITCH growls in the background. Imagine IGGY AND THE ANTS. Don't, however, imagine that their sound will enrich your life in any way. Current single 'Wheelkings 1973' whines and wheezes like a clapped-out Capri, too bloated and artless to convince as glam, but still too contrived to be as dirty as ONE LADY OWNER thinks it is.

There's none of the decadent thrill of Iggy, none of ROXY MUSIC's cool menace, none of MOTVRHEAD's dumb energy. One Lady Owner lay claim to the spirit of all these '70s upstarts without ever successfully assimilating any of their influences. Add wholly incongruous cocktail lounge keyboards to the musical stew, and you've got a sound which irritates on almost every level.

They're on the hard shoulder of rock, with a tyre out and a hundred miles to go. Call the AA.

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