November 8, 1999

...Presents Selection Sixteen

So, just some vaguely spooky noises, then. How interesting. No, really. How FUCKING interesting...

Hmm. Interesting. The opening track, 'The 'Eye', consists of some vaguely spooky noises over which British foreign secretary Robin 'Shagger' Cook rambles on about the historic opening of the Gaza Strip border. Oh, hang on. I've left the radio on. That's better. So, just some vaguely spooky noises, then. How interesting. No, really. How FUCKING interesting.

/img/squarepusherc1199.jpg Moving rapidly along, 'Square Rave' doesn't so much 'bang' as sort of rattle around like an insecticide-overdosed late-summer wasp trapped in a large paper lampshade. Far out! 'Dedicated Loop' is the sort of sucky ambient soundtrack that sucky film students choose for their sucky time-lapse Warhol pastiches. Hilarious! 'Tomorrow World' is Enya gone drum'n'bass. Groovy! 'Cool Veil' is ten seconds of aimless muso-masturbation. How witty! 'Schizm Track #1' is like 'The Rockafeller Skank' heard from the bottom of a 200ft-deep shit-filled pit. Great! Oh sweet Jesus! Do we have to go on!?

Look, synthesisers, sequencers, samplers and drum machines are fab, gear and groovy. Hey, the Prodge, Atari Teenage Riot and Fatboy Slim swear by them! But what if this new tecknologie were ever to fall into the wrong hands? What if it were used to produce evil music? Like, music with no balls, soul, energy, aggression, passion, tune, danceable beats or apparent function? You know, the sort of pointless, irritating, self-indulgent, avant-garde-a-fucking-clue bollocks that a certain sort of especially annoying student pretends to be 'into' in order to look 'cool' shortly before he (and it's nearly always a he) gets a job in vivisection, Conservative politics or the music press? What, in other words, if these wonderful, shiny, new instruments were used to make art-wank jazzzzzzzzzzzz?

Oh, wait! This is a pisstake, right? I'll bet this 'Tom Jenkinson' doesn't exist at all, does he? I bet it's those wacky blokes from The Fast Show who've slung all the ropy cack they recorded for their hilarious Jazz Club sketches onto a CD! Ha! You wags! You really had me going there! For a minute. I will kill anybody who plays any track off this CD in any building where I am present. You have been warned.