Steps : London Wembley Arena
Same as last year...
What would Oscar Wilde have made ofSteps, one wonders. It's like watching an ultra-soft porn movie starring 'Blue Peter' presenters. But Steps have been peddling their 'Hi-De-Hi'(Ho-De-Ho!) Abba-lite pop-frothery for over five years now, Long enough for them to be flogging a "greatest hits" album, for fuck's sake. Surely irony comes with a sell-by date? Well apparently not. Ask Kylie Minogue.
The little girls scream dementedly when David Beckham appears on the giant video screens during a pre-gig advert for Sky TV. They scream even louder at Michael Owen. But when the naughty blonde-feather-cut uber-urchin H winks, or pretends to grab a backing singer's arse, or comments lewdly about what "a lovely bottom" Faye's got, they go absolutely mental. Hey, do you think H is secretly boning one of the lithesome,long-legged, muscle-tummied Steps-chicks? Well you wouldn't put it past him. The rascal!
Support band All-Stars (surely we flushed them down the pop-shitter yonks back?) warm us up by singing (i)Where ever u run an' where ever u hide/U gotta face it, baby/Things go BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! in the nite!"(/i). And each BUMP is accompanied by a savage pelvic thrust. ie As in FUCKING! D'y'get it ? I'll bet you do! Fnaar fnaar! etc.
performance is slick and relentlessly entertaining. But somewhat lacking in innovation. H nervously slides down from the ceiling on a harness. Again. Lisa nervously swings out over the audience on a wire-strung sofa. Same as last year. So plenty of bangs for your buck. But it was the same bangs. Which is a bit of a pisser.
All in all we witnessed a well-polished evening of astoundingly ambiguous sexual titillation. One's only regret is that - given the state of the art video technology available - that the evening didn't climax with a spectacular ultra-close-up cum-shot. Same as last year. Or did I dream that?
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