They rock like multi-phallused death wolves - and almost everything else out this week mewls like a sickly baby shrew with a hurty toothywoothy.
Yes, the music industry really [I]is [/I]run by white-cat-stroking villains like Dr Evil out of [I]Austin Powers[/I]. Their foul and noxious plan is to impose a global hegemony of blandness, to turn us all into dull-eyed and gloop-addicted consumer zombie sheep.
But they’ve got problems. They stamped out most of the planet’s indigenous musics with a tidal wave of Phil Collins back in the ’80s and then repackaged the desiccated remains and sold them back to us as ‘world music’. It looked like almost total victory. Shite[I] uber alles[/I]! For evah! But mutations stirred in the smoking, irradiated ruins. Weird, strange, ugly, clumsy punky/death metally/grindcore stylee bands started popping up in places as diverse as Bulgaria and Brazil. Making dense, heavy, dark and distinctly parent-unfriendly music that confused and baffled Dr Evil.
And first amongst these developing-world rock-beasts were [a]Sepultura[/a] – a band so heavy that the stages they play on have to be tethered to giant hydrogen-filled airships lest they sink into the earth and trigger a worldwide China Syndrome meltdown scenario that ends civilisation as we know it.
And that’s why they’re Single Of The Week. ‘Cos they rock like multi-phallused death wolves – and almost everything else out this week mewls like a sickly baby shrew with a hurty toothywoothy.
We need records like this more than ever. Because Dr Evil has learnt his lesson. He’s adapted, changed tactics and is fighting back – sneakily! He’s crazy – like a fox! As we speak his secret servants are playing [I]Scott Walker[/I] on the [I]NME [/I]stereo! No, really! People are writing ‘Shack’ and ‘Belle & Sebastian’ on their pencil cases. Dr Evil has inserted the worm of MOR blandness into the rose of indie and nobody seems to have noticed! Zombies everywhere! He’s even got to the Manics. Save us, [a]Sepultura[/a], save us! I have seen the future – it is an image of your mum and dad listening to your record collection and saying, “That’s nice, dear!” – [I]4 EVAH!!! [/I]
[I]OOH, MUMMY! IT’S THE SCARY MEN! SEPULTURA SAVE ROCK’N’ROLL[/I]