Geri Halliwell : Scream If You Wanna Go Faster

"Doesn't she look great?" No. And her record sucks...

Let’s start a campaign right here. A campaign of truth and honesty. When simpering fools hold aloft the latest copy of Now magazine and go “Ooh she does look good, ooh doesn’t she look good? It’s yoga apparently,” we must stand, and with loud voice declare, “It’s not fucking yoga, it’s fucking starvation! She doesn’t look good, she looks like Mr Burns. She’s so emaciated that Michael Burke’s Rwandan counterpart is filming a harrowing documentary about her condition. The woman is ill. Stop praising her and get her to a clinic!”

Then let us start another campaign. When simpering fools hold aloft a copy

of her latest single and go, “Ooh I do love Geri, don’t you love Geri? Bless her,” we must stand… etc, and yell, “No! This must stop. This is not singing but the sound a seal makes when you run over its stomach in a Land Rover. She is living proof that there is no ‘magic machine’ in the studio that makes bad voices sound good. This is lyric writing courtesy of the magnetic poetry kit. It’s what happens when you apply the William Burroughs’ cut-up technique to self-help manuals. If we do not end this now then future generations will use her success as proof of our worthlessness and have us

put to death as an example to others.”

The Empress is naked (save for a pair of red hot-pants) and it’s a very revolting sight. Don’t be afraid to say it.

Timothy Mark