This Week's Singles Reviewed (28/07/12)
Calvin Harris, Tom Jones, Drake
Splashh - 'Need It'
If this track reminds you of something, we’ll help you out: it’s HAPPINESS. ‘Need It’ sounds like getting a week off work, finding 20 quid in your coat pocket, remembering to bring a bottle opener to a barbecue, that 4.30pm drunk high-point of a sunny festival and kissing someone you’ve fancied for ages, but without the awkward ‘What do I do with my hands?’ worry.
Calvin Harris Featuring Example - 'We’ll Be Coming Back'
You’d think the combined work of Calvin Harris and Example would be the standard COMPLETE FUCKING BANGER they both regularly produce. Maybe they’re too polite to, er, out-bang each other, or maybe it’s the lack of pop star-in-hotpants here, but it’s just not sexy. Possibly because lyrics like “I’ll be coming back for you one day” reek of a harrowing police statement rather than a sext.
Tom Jones - 'Tower Of Song'?
“All my friends are gone and my hair is grey/I ache in the places I used to play/ I’m crazy for love” – Tom Jones on his penis, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s be glad Tom didn’t sign up fellow namedropper and The Voice coach will.i.am to produce him. We’re not sure how we’d feel about an electro version of ‘Delilah’.
Caspa Featurng Keith Flint - 'War'
If you’ve got a paranoid, 5.47am post-clubbing psychotic meltdown planned into your iCalendar – good news! You’ve found your soundtrack. Don’t watch the video, because the image of Keith Flint egging on scary Europeans to fight-fuck isn’t like a comforting cuddle. Hide the razor blades.
Drake Featuring Rick Ross - 'Lord Knows'
Our hearts break for Drake: he’s shame-facedly sexing up porn stars but he “don’t trust these hos”, even checking their phones when they go to the bathroom. The tragedy of today’s youth: mo’ pussy, mo’ problems, as my grandma always says. The moral? Get a phone passcode if you’re going to have a peek at what loo roll Drake uses. At least he’s rapping rather than having a misery-sing, but Rick Ross is just speaking slowly about buying cars and doing murder.
Wiley Featuring Ms D - 'Heatwave'
Wiley’s taken all the standard bits of a ‘summer smash’ – girl chorus, a rap about stuff you might do in the sun, a catchy backing track – and shoved them together with a Slush Puppy reference. It’s SO GOOD, but the best part is that Wiley doesn’t know any words that rhyme with the song’s title, so just rhymes it with… “heatwave”. Amazing.
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