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This Week's Singles Reviewed (06/10/12)
Andy Burrows, Beth Jeans Houghton, Conor Maynard
Andy Burrows - 'Because I Know That I Can'
Educated at the Peter Andre School Of Tenacity, Andy Burrows clings to pop’s U-bend like a germ that no detergent can kill. The former drummer with Razorlight – who also released a bewildering Christmas album with Tom Editors last year – is out on his own now with this not unpleasant but entirely forgettable ditty. Should it all finally go tits-up for Burrows, work as a Robbie Savage impersonator beckons.
Conor Maynard ft Ne-Yo - 'Turn Around'
Brighton’s fledgling heart-throb Conor Maynard emotes intense, slightly nonsensical lyrics like, “Uh baby, we’re so high now, whoa/’Til our worries end our pain right now…” Christ man, you’re hardly out of short trousers – chill the fuck out or I envisage dysfunction in adulthood. Meanwhile, Ne-Yo plays the Fonzy role (thinks he’s cool, hangs out with kids), phones it in and saves the writing team the job of coming up with a middle-eight.
Leona Lewis ft Childish Gambino - 'Trouble'
“You used to smoke 10”, she despairs, “now it’s 20”. Will someone call the cops? Expect the usual histrionics from this slick, big-production ballad, though you might have to suspend your disbelief somewhat, as you sense the most trouble Leona ever got herself into was taking teacher a Granny Smith when Miss preferred a Cox’s Orange Pippin.
Chris E Pants - 'Doggy Style'
It seems a strange time to be campaigning for the inclusion of the doggy paddle as an Olympic event. Oh but wait! The way Mr Pants keeps growling the words “doggy style” lasciviously over an undulating groove makes one think this has nothing to do with swimming at all, but is actually about the S-E-X word.
Beth Jeans Houghton - 'Dodecahedron'
The first single from Beth’s acclaimed ‘Yours Truly, Cellophane Nose’ gets another chance to set the charts alight, as the record-buying public was mystified by a song about 12-faced polyhedrons the first time round. Thankfully we’re all clued up on Euclidean geometry these days.
The Black Keys - 'Little Black Submarines'
It seems extraordinary that The Black Keys have become so massive, albeit by stealth. This is a song of two halves, with no goals in either. ‘Little Black Submarines’, like much of their oeuvre, is as memorable as a fart at a blowing-off contest. The kids’ll love it nonetheless.
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