This Week's Singles Reviewed (7/11/11)
Lucy Rose, Tinchy Stryder, Washed Out
Lucy Rose - Scar
God, backing singers with feelings are so tedious. I just wanna call bullshit on this kind of empty tweecore dribble, “Blah, blah, I had an ice cream, it was twee, made me have feelings, I miss you, blah blah”. At least when proper pop stars sing clichéd tattle dressed up in sparkles they’re being honest about the hollow centre from which they preach. Lucy, why do you have to be so damn earnest?
MNEK - If Truth Be Told
MNEK’s got the right idea. He’s got man-boobs and dresses like a child’s neon lunchbox but still man’s got enough swagger to sing a whole song about how he likes to fill girls with his spunk, call them a taxi, then act like he’s the victim. Someone get this twat a slot on Newsnight so he can babble SOMETHING incoherent and Paxo can nod and say, “Yes, we’re definitely fucked.”
Tinchy Stryder - Off The Record
Tinchy’s struggling this week too, as he’s just worked out how the metaphor ‘life is a rollercoaster’ works and has expanded the tired phrase to three-and-a-half minutes of self-congratulatory navel-gazing. To his credit it does a fair job of mimicking the rollercoaster experience in that the song goes nowhere, dips frequently and makes you want to vomit.
Sunday Girl - Love U More
Meanwhile, Sunday Girl’s taking her cues from the Shakespearean canon, belittling a talented Prospero-esque figure who can “make the sea turn purple” and “turn water into wine” but will never ever make this self-absorbed young lady love him more. Sweetheart, guy’s got a wand, if he wants himself a Balearic hussy, he’ll just give a potted plant a bit of the old Paul Daniels tap-tap and... voilà.
Zulu Winter - Never Leave
Zulu Winter are more the sort to get wrapped round Sunday Girl’s little finger as they drone on incessantly, “I will never leeavvveee youu”, despite the fact they’re probably stood outside their girlfriend’s house already with all their stuff smashed and scattered on the front lawn while she’s upstairs getting fucked in the ass by MNEK. Give it up guys.
Washed Out - Amor Fati
Finally, a decent single! Washed Out exist as an antidote to all that shit-raking cynicism above; it’s actually true that if you distill the essences of their beautiful slowburning chillwave into liquid form then pour it over the rest of the acts this week, they will all melt away like the Nazis in Raiders Of The Lost Ark and the world will be a better place. So hurry! Get the pipes out! Get the gauzes! Let’s do some chemistry!
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