Oh, fuck off, fidget spinners
Well, it’s been a rough old year in terms of politics, world events and general shithousery – but the bad stuff is simply too massive, too monumental for us to banish to Room 101. We can sweat the small stuff, though. Hoo boy, can we sweat the small stuff! Here, then, is some nonsense that could make 2018 a tiny bit smoother if it simply, kindly ceased to exist.
No-one knew WTF a fidget spinner was until April 2017. Let’s return to this golden age of toys, so that children can continue to acquire real-life skills such as shooting each other up on Call of Duty or trading their iPads for Bitcoins, or whatever it is that children do these days.
Not even gonna get mad about this one. Just gonna crunch into my delicious avocado-on-toast and know it was worth every well-seasoned, nutritious bite. Waiter, another Bloody Mary please!
People who didn’t watch this year’s series of Love Island were like Brexit voters. They definitely exist, but no-one has ever met one. Anyway, there were two bellends on the show called Chris and Kem and, with grim inevitability, they released a rap track when they were back in the wild. The track in question is called ‘Little Bit Leave It’, lifting its title from a catchphrase long associated with grime legend Lethal Bizzle. Reality show leaches: do not grub from the fertile mind of Bizzle.
The condiment featured in the Netflix cartoon Rick and Morty became such a cult concern that McDonald’s announced that it would on-sale in stores for a limited time period. Fans came close to riots when they tried to get their greedy hands on the promotional sauce. As Taylor Swift would say: this is why we can’t have nice things.
You look like a shitdroid in those stupid wireless earphones, mate.
Pepe died this year. Let’s ensure that he doesn’t reemerge like the far-right politics he came to represent. The character’s drift to the dark side is long and knotty, but essentially: he was created in 2005 by cartoonist Matt Furie, became popular on 4chan (the Wild West of internet forums) and was then co-opted by the alt-right; a symbol of being bad without consequence. Furie distanced himself from the creation, who was killed off in a Guardian comic strip back in May. Farewell, Pepe, you sad, deluded, cartoon frog.
Look, we had our fun with Bradley Walsh. We chuckled at the thought of Jason Manford doing show tunes and – ho ho! – marveled at the prospect of Shane Ritchie finger-pickin’ through country music. The joke, though, is in danger of wearing thin, so let’s leave this phenomenon behind before Jeremy Kyle pens his own harrowing version of Jerry Springer: The Opera. Jeremy Kyle: The Wanker.
Smashed that last one btw. Anyway, shit-haired car enthusiast Richard Hammond continued to be on the telly in 2017, despite having claimed in 2016 that eating ice cream is "gay". In a recent interview with The Sunday Times, he attempted to apologise for the remark and wound up saying: “When I hear of people in the media coming out, I think, why do they even feel the need to mention it? It is so old-fashioned to make a big deal of it.” Who knew that a man whose entire job is to snigger at Jeremy Clarkson’s jokes would turn out to be such a shithouse?
There is no reason to conclude a TV show now. If Amazon Prime and Netflix continue to grease the gravy train, simply hold tight and shovel on needless subplots to make sure Orange is the New Black, Better Call Saul and Arrested Development never, ever reach a destination. Please: slow down, stop the madness!
Lots of bands flogging 10-year anniversary tours at the moment, playing their best-known mid-noughties albums in full. Now you’ve bought your mum that bungalow, let’s put the whole sordid affair behind us.
Like Brandon Flowers, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is clearly The Man and the bizarre trend that saw festival-goers bawling his name to the tune of The White Stripes’ ‘Seven Nation Army’ was a beautiful thing to behold. But, as we’ve discovered, you can have too much of a good thing – so let’s just all enjoy him quietly, shall we?
Tough time to be a Morrissey fan. A tough, tough time. It was bad enough having to block out the nonsense he came out with in interviews when the albums were good. His 2017 release, Low in High School, was absolute bloody cobblers. When Morrissey’s music is as bad as his banter, you know that 2017's been a wrongun.
Batman Vs Superman turned out to be shit, and so did Justice League. Look, Hollywood, the superheroes are knackered. They need a break. Put Batman, Superman and… I don’t know, the fucking Riddler?... out to pasture for a while and let them come back when they’ve caught their breath.
The lowest finale ratings since the show launched! Nonsensical news rules that no-one can keep track of! A winning band that you will – guaranteed – not hear a single peep out of in the future! Please, please make this grinding misery end because I simply cannot take the drudgery for much longer!
Despicable Me 3 came out in June. A reminder, as you climb into your Minion suit for a festival in 2018, that this is a film designed for the enjoyment of children and that you are an adult with real-world responsibilities, and no kindly yellow cartoon blobs are going to reverse that.
The floor is not lava. Like the Mannequin Challenge before it, this viral video meme – which saw participants steer clear of touching the floor as if it were awash with red-hot molten volcanic goo – was not bad, was not evil, was not nasty and corrupt, but it was – and I can say this with absolute certainty – not something I ever need in my eyeballs ever again, so help me God.