Eight songs to soundtrack the Brexit apocalypse

Because nothing compares to EU...

Roll up, roll up, everybody, and all aboard the Brexit Shitshow Express. Steaming towards our March 29 deadline for leaving the European Union with all the grace of a freshly-laid turd that missed the toilet bowl, passengers can enjoy various pleasant stops along the way, including: Major Retailers Literally Stockpiling Food as a Precaution, Dover Lorry Queue Rehearsals, The Worst Defeat Ever Suffered By A Prime Minister, and Nigel ‘I’m a regular bloke just like you, honest’ Farage’s Private Jet.

A brief recap: After five weeks of dithering, Theresa May finally held the meaningful vote on her plan for exiting the EU, which she was originally supposed to hold late last year. Predictably her Withdrawal Bill – which satisfies neither hard Brexiteers, soft Brexit supporters nor Remainers – flopped on Tuesday, losing in parliament by an almighty and unprecedented 230 votes. That’s not just abysmal, it’s historically, record-settingly abysmal; to be exact, it’s the worst ever defeat suffered by a prime minister in the democratic era. As Wayne Rooney might say: hi Theresa May do u want picking up in the morning pal?

Meanwhile, with just two months to go until the UK leaves the EU, nobody seems to have a clue what the bloody fuck is going on. Allow these songs to soundtrack the impending apocalypse.

Al Green – Let’s Stay Together

A golden oldie that preaches the power of sticking together through good and bad (and happy or sad) Al Green’s velvety warble says it all. Until March, at least, it’s never too late to “turn around and make up”…

Muse – Our Time Is Running Out

As malevolent drones roam the skies, shutting down the UK’s major airports in whizzy style, Muse’s brand of glammy impending doom feels like the perfect fit. After all, if we can’t content with a few glorified remote control toys, what hope is there for that ‘orderly’ No Deal Brexit you speak of, Theresa?  

Sinead O’Connor –  Nothing Compares 2 EU

With a subtle lyrical tweak, this gold standard belt-a-thon serves as a prescient peak into the future. “I went to the doctor and guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?” Errrm, well, if we’re talking about post-Brexit life, he probably told you “sorry, we’ve run out of vital antibiotics”.

The 1975 – It’s Not Living (If It’s Not EU)

Another helping of artistic license later, and you’ve got yourself another bittersweet pop banger that happens to have a punny chorus.

Talking Heads – Road to Nowhere

A European Union that’s done negotiating, plus hundreds of UK politicians who insist that they’re marching right back to Brussels in search of a “better” deal… has there ever been a better match for ‘Road to Nowhere’? “We know what we want, and the future is certain.. give us time to work it out” sounds like a standard slice of bullshit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, too.

Europe – The Final Countdown

With (at time of writing) just 72 days to go until Article 50 expires, the whopping great horns on this slab of Swedish pop goodness have never sounded more urgent.

The Smiths – Panic

Much like most right-wing UK politicians, Morrissey is a caricature of a man; over the years  the jovial facade of his melodramatic poetry-clutching persona has gradually slipped to reveal some bigoted views. That – plus the overriding message of ‘Panic’ – makes The Smiths a compulsory pick.

Alanis Morissette – Ironic

D’ya know what else is ironic? A bunch of people who demanded the end of free movement in the EU complaining about paying £7 for a visa.