Around the world in eight brilliantly crap statues

Some likenesses are better than others...

A brilliantly crap statue of everybody’s favourite silver fox Jeff Goldblum is currently lounging on the banks of the Thames to mark the 25th anniversary of Jurassic Park. The sensational creation, situated right next to London’s Tower Bridge, shows Goldblum as the chaos theory expert Dr Ian Malcolm. 25ft long, the statue apparently weighs 150kg.

Fans have been flocking to admire the tribute. Some have marvelled over the statue’s gold-hued nipples, while others have been quick to point out the uncanny resemblance to Nick Knowles from DIY SOS.

As Jeff Goldblum stans make their pilgrimage to Tower Bridge, here are some other brilliantly crap statues worth your attention.

Kurt Cobain – Aberdeen, Washington, USA

Considering he’s a widely regarded musical genius, and one of the most influential artists in an entire generation, you would think that somebody would pull their finger out in properly memorialising Kurt Cobain. Makes sense, doesn’t it? With that in mind, it’s quite baffling to behold, in all it’s bizarre glory, this…. creation.

Let’s get the biggest question out of the way. Why on earth is he crying out of just one eye? Perhaps it’s because the Nirvana frontman disliked his Aberdeen hometown, describing it as being like “Twin Peaks without the excitement”. More troubling still is the fact that this statue looks less like Kurt Cobain, and more like the most upsetting part of his monumental legacy; the reams of generic acoustic-guitar-strumming men who disturb perfectly pleasant afternoons at the park with their gravelly ‘renditions’ of ‘Come As You Are’ with ambitions of fronting the next Nirvana. And as for that odd, spread-eagle stance, it could be easily mistaken for somebody man-spreading on the Bakerloo Line.

Kanye West – Los Angeles, USA

While this statue of Kanye, which popped up on Hollywood Boulevard last year, might not be the worst likeness on this whistle stop tour of disturbing statues, it’s still worthy of inclusion. Honestly, Kanye ‘Yeezus’ West has a big enough ego already. Please don’t encourage him.

David Bowie, Aylesbury, UK

Over the years, many terrible David Bowie statues have been erected in various cities; however, this one steals the top spot. Including countless likenesses of the ever-evolving artist, the centrepiece is supposed to be inspired by his Ziggy Stardust era. Unfortunately, it looks more like a member of HMLTD yelling “you startin’?!” at somebody in a pub.

Elvis Presley, Neve, Israel

There are few details about the hip-shaking cultural icon Elvis Presley left undocumented, but this statue of the King of Rock and Roll raises a big unknown. Did Elvis suffer from chronic hayfever? Based on this hulking lump of horrors, wincing from its platform with inflamed and narrowed eyes, it certainly seems like he would have benefited from a lower pollen count and some piriton.

Cristiano Ronaldo – Aeroporto Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal

This grimacing likeness of world class footballer Cristiano Ronaldo was ‘unveiled’ at Portugal’s Madeira airport after it was bestowed with its new name – Aeroporto Cristiano Ronaldo – in 2017. The reaction to the bust was so negative that the sculptor behind it returned a year later with a second attempt. The original has now disappeared, but it remains positively iconic to this day.

Here’s a hot take; the first draft, which looked a lot like many of the people I witnessed gurning their way through Reading Festival 2015, was a much more interesting artistic achievement than its more chiselled successor.

Paul McCartney-  Liverpool, UK

Mounted on the exterior of Liverpool’s Hard Day’s Night Hotel, this likeness of Sir Paul McCartney sports an even more impressive mullet than Garth Algar from Wayne’s World. For some reason, the Beatles icon is clutching a tiny guitar in the sort of sheepish manner which suggests he just stole it from a member of Mumford & Sons, and he also has one finger pointed to the sky like he’s keenly answering a question in class. “Which one of you wrote ‘Hey Jude’?” a hidden voice seems to ask. “Me!” yells Paul.

Michael Jackson – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Famed for his physics-defying dance moves, this statue of Michael Jackson – in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – captures a rare and candid moment instead. Instead of moonwalking, the late megastar appears to be doing warm-up stretches; perhaps he just got off a long flight? Although they have now been reinstated, the funniest moment in this bronze sculpture’s history came when someone nicked MJ’s sunnies.

Lemmy – Los Angeles, USA

Resembling an extra from a later instalment in the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise, this commemorative statue of Lemmy from Motörhead graces one of his favourite hangouts; Los Angeles’ Rainbow Bar and Grill. In its defence, it was admittedly created after friends and fans fundraised for its creation, and all surplus funds were donated to cancer research. Artist Travis Moore also did a sterling job immortalising the late singer’s mutton chop side-burns. Fair play, to be honest.