Friends, we will soon all be Glastonbury, Worthy Farm, Somerset, sharing oxygen with Adele, Muse, Coldplay and some crusties. But it won’t all be plain sailing between now and kicking it with a can of cider in your freshly erected tent…
1. I should really start packing
But not yet. Because it will be deeply stressful and you definitely forget something vital and it is physically exhausting to try and figure out what that something is going to be.
2. The weather looks good! Woo hoo!
3. Oh, the weather looks shit now. Sad face.
4. No, wait, the weather looks good again! Let’s dance!
Ad nauseam.
5. What will Alex Turner get up to on the Saturday night?
The Arctic Monkey has been acting, erm, erratically of late. Is he okay?
6. I should really start packing
Soon, child. Soon.
7. Will four-day mega-rave Block 9 be as good as I think it will be?
It will, it really will. Expect to call your mother on Morning morning and quietly, politely explain that you’ve left an important part of your brain somewhere, somewhere deep in Somerset.
8. Okay, let’s pack
9. How many pants is too many pants?
There is no such thing as too many spare pants at Glastonbury. You will get drunk and you will piss yourself. You will have so much fun at Block 9 that you will shit yourself. Bring every pant you own, even the ill-fitting ones at the back of your drawer that, depending on your gender, as so big they conspire to make you look like Bridget Jones / are the kind of voluminous, normcore checked boxers that you suspect Tim Allen was wearing underneath his dad slacks in Home Improvement in the 90s. if you can afford it, arrange for a small pant factory to be constructed within waddling distance of your tent. Because you will have pissed or shat yourself.
10. Like, do I need to bring condoms?
If someone wants to fuck you when you haven’t showered in four days and look like Swamp Thing’s less hygienic cousin, they are not worth fucking.
11. What should be on my pre-party playlist to listen to in the car?
ALL THE BANGERS. Welcome to the banger mobile. ‘All My Friends’ by LCD Soundsystem. ‘E-Pro’ by Beck. Probably not Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’, nice though it is, because you don’t want to roll up to Worthy Farm blubbering about your ex, who’s probably going to be in Glastonbury, because who isn’t?
In fact, we’ve done that bit for you.
12. Are we there yet?
Soon, child. Soon.
13. Traffic. So much traffic.
It’s okay, ’cause we’re having fun, aren’t we? Being trapped in a car for hours is always fun.
14. Why has that prick got out of his car in this grid-locked traffic jam?
That’s not going to help anyone.
15. Arse. Gone. Numb
16. Seriously, get back in your car mate. This is a ROAD.
17. Fuck it, I’m getting out.
18. Will I have enough fun at Glastonbury?
Some people stress about this. You’ve spent a lot of money and have spent a great of time looking forward to Glastonbury. You think: what if I don’t get enough out of it? But do not give into this fear. Like an STD, fun happens when you’re not thinking about it.
19. We’re here! We’re actually here! Let’s get this party started!
20. The walk from the car to the site is an epic journey but we will persist and we will prevail
21. We’re going to die before we reach the campsite, aren’t we?
22. Who’s stupid idea was it to save a tenner by buying a shit tent you have to assemble yourself rather than one of the pop-up ones?
Yours, it was your idea.
23. Fuck it, that tent looks sort of all right, doesn’t it?
24. Now, which way is Shangri-La?