9 consonant-befuddling band names that should FVCK 0FV

W’v hd t p t hr wth ths sht

Naming a band, as most musicians will tell you, is an arduous task. Even the most iconic groups, when held up to scrutiny, usually go under a fairly shit moniker. Metallica? Sounds more like something you’d buy in Wickes. Arctic Monkeys? Nonsense. The Strokes? Sounds painful.

As such, most new groups tend to stick to something tried and tested. Back in the day, there were somebody ‘and the’ somethings groups everywhere you looked. In the ’00s, we had a glut of bands who went by ‘The’ something. All simple and relatively effective. These days, though, the naming style du jour is an absolute mess.

It seems every day a new band lands in the NME inbox (for the purposes of metaphor, yes, we all share an inbox), sporting a moniker that lacks all manner of important things, like vowels. Worse still, some of them hoist other letters into the place of the vowels, smearing the good, Scrabble-smashing name of the letter ‘V’.

Below, we’ve cherry-picked the most confounding band name about. And as we’re so very good to you, we’ve even included a helpful pronunciation guide. Let it never be said that journalism isn’t educational anymore.

PVMNTS

Look, lads. You can’t just spice up the most inane thing in the world by taking the vowels out. A pavement is a pavement. You’re not even Pavement. Also, why is the ‘A’ a ‘V’, and yet the ‘E’ is non-existent? Also also, why do I care so much?

How do you pronounce it?: ‘P-uhv-muh-ntz’.

SHVPES

This one is almost, almost clever. I think it’s some kind of play on how an ‘A’ and a ‘V’ have similar… shapes. Is that right? Am I looking too much into this? Am I desperately searching for meaning in a meaningless world of misplaced letters? Should I call my mother? Probably.

How do you pronounce it?: ‘Shh-vups’.

SWMRS

Every pronunciation of this one could be a performance art piece. You see, the band are supposedly called ‘Swimmers’, while the phonetic pronunciation of their name sounds not unlike someone drowning. A statement piece, perhaps? A warning of the dangers of open water? Or not waiting an hour between dinner and swimming? We’re gonna go with the latter. Well done, boys. Very responsible.

How do you pronounce it?: Eat a big sandwich and then go for a dip.

Ho99o9

Ho99o9 The Great Escape Festival, Brighton

Ho99o9 (L-R: The OGM, Eaddy)

Right, this lot might act all tough, but you’re not fooling me fellas. What are those numbers about? ‘Horror’, you say? Nope. A ‘9’ doesn’t even look like an ‘R’. You c4n’t j8st p7ck th2se thin5s w8lly-n0lly.

How do you pronounce it?: ‘Honononononononon’ etc.

MSMR

Right, we’ve checked, and apparently this one is said ‘Miss Mister’. Which, while a wonderful representation of how gender is a fluid concept, is just dumb. That is, quite frankly, not how abbreviations work. Space bars exist for a reason. Split them up. Give yourself a break.

How do you pronounce it?: ‘Muz-myrrh’. 

CHVRCHES

Chvrches backstage at Open’er Festival 2018

Another case of the errant ‘V’’s here. Lauren Mayberry and The Lads have previously addressed how their name is a bit daft, attempting to pass the bad band name buck onto Arctic Monkeys and Radiohead in the process. You’re not getting away with it that easily, sorry guys. While we admire the God-bothering angle (bet there’s a fair few bible belters who’d have a grumble about this), a ‘V’ isn’t a vowel. That’s just simple fvcts.

How do you pronounce it?: ‘Cha-vur-chiz’.

6ix9ine

6ix9ine

Not content with pleading guilty to sexual misconduct with a child, the twattiest rapper of the moment (real name: Daniel Hernandez) also goes by an equally twatty stage name. Not only is including a sex act in your name when you’re a self-confessed sex offender quite the idiotic move, but how exactly do you propose people pronounce that clusterfuck of letters and numbers, anyway? Please do fuck off, Daniel.

How do you pronounce it?: Sneeze.

PVRIS

Ah, of course, the city of LVVE.

How do you prononunce it?: Stuff a croissant in your mouth while naming the capital of France.

 JVCK JAMES

One ‘V’ and one ‘A’? Oh, do fuck off.

How do you pronounce it?: Sigh a bit. Then have a lie down.