Ever thought it might be fun to be the personal assistant to a big name celeb? You will, you imagine, get to go to all the glamorous events, meet all the other stars, and taste a little bit of the high life. Maybe you’ll have to lay your head in a cramped studio apartment (read: a single bed crammed between a window that doesn’t open and a worktop with just enough room for a microwave) in a part of town described as “up and coming”, but it will be worth it when you’re rubbing shoulders with your future BFF Chrissy Teigen or stood in the same room as Rihanna.
Well, one genius Twitter user has come up with a way to give you a taste of that so-called dream and it doesn’t seem all that exciting in reality. @Cornyassbitch – their real handle – has made the best use of the platform’s thread function we’ve ever seen and built their very own choose your own adventure game that stars you as Beyoncé’s PA.
Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD pic.twitter.com/26ix05Hkhp
— Green Chyna (@CORNYASSBITCH) June 23, 2019
The aim seems simple enough – don’t get fired. All you have to do is anticipate Bey’s wants and needs, what will piss her off and what she’ll enjoy. Your tasks range from the mundane (ordering her breakfast, choosing an activity for her while she waits for her glam squad to arrive) to the dramatic (will you be able to locate her missing laptop and keep her out of the crosshairs of waiting paparazzi?).
Each click further into her hypothetical life becomes more stressful, even though this is, of course, an entirely fictional exercise and has no bearing on real life at all: Beyoncé still doesn’t know any of us exist.