Brit Awards – Suggest Your Alternative Categories

Let’s face it the Brits are about as predictable as the innuendo-laced comments on Take Me Out. The most genuinely shocking thing to happen at the awards this year would be for Lady Gaga to have a breakdown and wear jeans. As that is unimaginable I’ve decided to put forward a few categories to make the typically hum-drum, fun.

1Worst Lyrics And Use Of A Key Change
Winner: One Direction, ‘What Makes You Beautiful’
I know what you’re thinking, surely not the Byron-esque, “The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed”? Boys I suggest a cold shower and avoiding any hairdressers.

2Artwork That A Child Could Have Done

Winner: Yuck, ‘Yuck’
Great album, but the demented pencil drawing screams more ‘red room’ than shining cover art.

3Best At Dressing Like A Geography Teacher
Winner: The Young Knives
Sir, where do you go for a hot, hot summer?

4Most Likely To Win Your Mum’s Vote

Winner: Mumford And sons
Yo mama jokes have never been so easy. Just wait for the barrage of your mum…ford and sons.

5Best Use Of A Piano Solo
Winner: Bombay Bicycle Club, ‘Shuffle’
According to the YouTube users of today, “Guitar bands are dead”. By proxy, jazzy piano solos are going to be huge in 2012. Anyone for some Brubeck?

6Best At ‘Having It All’

Winner: Adele
It’s pretty clear that Adele is generally “best at getting awards”; when she’s not too busy rolling in the deep. Whatever that means.

7Most Likely To Dedicate His Award To A Dairy Product

Winner: Alex James
If he isn’t being followed about by an adorable milk carton, the Blur bassist is milking his cheese empire dry. Tread caerphilly Alex.

8Worst Dad To Have At An Awards Show

Winner: Baxter Dury
Dad! What have I told you about hitting people with your rhythm stick?

9Best At Prolonging A Reunion

Winner: Bloc Party
Come on guys, the Arrested Development movie will probably get there before you at this rate.

10Token International Category: Song That Could Have Been On Eurovision

Winner: Gotye, ’Somebody That I Used To Know’
Give it a few listens and ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ starts morphing into a Lithuanian Eurovision entry. However, thankfully avoiding the literal-acting-out-of-lyrics in the performance and stilted in between jokes from the presenters. 12 points from the UK.

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