In the wake of the global drubbing dished out to The Emoji Movie, here are 10 more films that have felt the sharp end of the critical boot so far this year.
“A force of insidious evil,” seethed The Guardian. “Hear that? It’s the end of the world,” wrote The New York Post. “A demonstration of artistic abdication at its most venal,” sneered RogerEbert.com. Yes, The Emoji Movie, currently languishing on an impressive 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, is perhaps the worst reviewed movie until Morrissey gets to watch England Is Mine. But it’s not alone in suffering the cuts of a billion hatchets. 2017 has been open critical season on a whole host of shocking blockbusters, with every other major release being hammered harder than if Liam Gallagher were on the Mercury Prize panel. Here are the best of the worst of the reviews of 2017 so far…
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 19%
The remake of the 90s’ most popular swimsuit-up-the-wahoos lifeguard series was apparently so low-brow that the slow motion running shots were considered ‘nuance’.
Worst review: “To quote the 19th-century French critic and essayist Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr,” wrote Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers, “and really, you can’t watch Baywatch without thinking of him – plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. Roughly translated, that means: As long as we buy this stuff, nothing is ever going to change.”
The Bye Bye Man
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 24%
Armadillos! Bet you’re thinking of armadillos now, right? That’s how dumbass the conceit of The Bye Bye Man was – a supernatural creature would show up and kill you if you so much as thought its name. Word of mouth, understandably, wasn’t great.
Worst review: “There may be worse horror films than The Bye Bye Man this year,” wrote Rolling Stone’s aptly-named David Fear in a half-star review. “but there will be none that shows more contempt for its intended audience.”
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 14%
Another puerile TV show remake that didn’t cut the ketchup, CHiPS was a motorcycle cop flop.
Worst review: Felix Vasquez of Cinema Crazed called this a “baffling piece of garbage”: “Everything about the movie is a vacuous, unfunny, dull, and vapid cesspool of nonsense. There are zero laughs, no exciting set pieces, and Shepherd almost seems to intentionally make audiences miserable by placing himself front and center, while teaming with an actor he has zero chemistry with.”
King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 28%
Intended to launch an epic seven-movie franchise, Guy Ritchie’s geezering-up of Arthurian legend went down like a wonky Excalibur.
Worst review: “An epic bore that believes if you make a movie long and loud and repetitive enough, audiences will conclude it’s saying something profound,” claimed Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers (again). “Wrong… Digital armies do pixelated battle in a manner so generic that they make Nintendo video games seem like the height of sophistication. Talk about sound and fury signifying nothing.”
Fifty Shades Darker
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 10%
Fifty Shades Duller, more like.
Worst review: “If you watch Fifty Shades Darker and can muster even the briefest wide on or semi then I applaud you, for you are a greater being than I,” concluded Yvette Caster of The Metro. “The film isn’t just bad because it’s boring and is as sexy as a used verruca plaster… It’s also vaguely offensive to people who like BDSM and anyone who’s experienced mental illness, sexual assault or domestic abuse too.”
Transformers: The Last Knight
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 14%
About Last Knight… Michael Bay’s bloated new Transformers movie twisted the formula somewhat, featuring $217 million that turned into a massive mechanised turkey.
Worst review: “You’re saying, ‘How could a movie that weaves together metal dragons, Merlin’s staff, Sir Anthony Hopkins and world-killing aliens be all that bad?’” asks Roger Ebert. “Because it’s just not fun. More than any film Bay has made, The Last Knight is incoherent to the point of parody.”
All Eyez On Me
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 16%
The Tupac biopic wasn’t exactly Walk The Line, according to the critics who unleashed 2Pacalypse upon its sorry ass.
Worst review: “All Eyez on Me is one of the most useless music biopics ever made,” says Roger Ebert. “Boom’s counterproductive answer to the flawed aspects of Tupac is to deny [his] complexity and to make him a type of savior, which often makes All Eyez on Me only plainly terrible.“
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 6%
As Ringu’s legendary hair-hider Samara crawled out of the well into the digital age, a whole host of reviewers stood at the edge smacking her back down again.
Worst review: “If crap movies carried penalties for inflicting torture on audiences, then Rings would merit a death sentence,” wrote Rolling Stone’s in-house hatchet guy Peter Travers, deeming that the film didn’t even merit a single star. “We’re meant to devour this demented drool as a set-up for the next film in the Ring cycle – like that’s gonna happen! The best review can be found in three words that Holt texts to Julia about the video: “Don’t Watch It.” Sound advice.”
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 16%
Tom Cruise’s Mummy reboot was intended to launch a new Dark Universe franchise featuring classic movie monsters. Having seen it, many critics argued that the dark – in a firmly locked underground vault for very bad ideas indeed – is probably where this particular universe should remain.
Worst review: “Despite Cruise’s best efforts to smarm up his largely bland and dashing huckster, the film crumbles around him,” says David Jenkins of Little White Lies in a review headlined ‘Stunningly Bad’. “Cruise spends much of the film nodding and holding his chin like a sentient emoji while he’s having the plot explained to him.”
Underworld: Blood Wars
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 18%
Kate Beckinsale phoned in this vampire action contractual filler; reviewers went to bloody war with it.
Worst review: “Charles Dance (wishy-washy Dracula stand-in), Tobias Menzies (werewolf terrorist with Giant-Man powers) and Lara Pulver (Disney villainess vamp with a leather and lace wardrobe) recite unspeakable exposition,” wrote Kim Newman at Empire, “giving the impression that a BBC quality drama cast are trying to work out the rules of a poorly-translated fantasy role-playing game.”