Move over, Paul The Octopus
There’s been a lot made of psychic sporting animals in the last few years. Paul The Octopus – ironically, a mollusc who is also the GOAT – opened the metaphorical floodgates on a whole host of score-predicting faunae back in 2010, when the eight-tentacled creature of the deep successfully deducted the result of a number of World Cup games (and garnered death threats as a result – bit wild). Since then we’ve had Marcus the pig, Achilles the cat, Shaheen the camel… the list of animals with otherworldly, bookie-beating abilities goes on. All of them pale in comparison to the true master of mystery though; the score-sussing shaman herself. The late and incredibly great Kirsty MacColl.
Right, first, a disclaimer – there’ll be some smarmy sods who’ll tell you that MacColl’s 1999 tune ‘England 2 Colombia 0’ has nothing to do with tonight’s score. They’ll claim it’s a reference to the 1998 World Cup’s pairing of the two teams. They’ll scoff at you for whacking a tenner on a two-up win. In most cases, they’re the same people who snottily went ‘Ooh, it’s only Panama, ooh, let’s wait ‘til we beat a real team before we start shouting about football coming home, ooh’. These aren’t the people you need in your life. Get. Fucking. Rid.
Anyway, as I was saying. Kirsty MacColl. She was psychic. Take a look at the lyrics for ‘England 2 Colombia 0’ – some claim it’s about heartbreak. They’re wrong. It’s a play by play rundown of tonight’s game. “Oh you shouldn’t have kissed me and got me so excited,” Harry Kane. “We cheered on England as the sky grew dark”? It’s a 7pm kick-off. It’ll end around sunset. She knows. “Oh you shouldn’t have kissed me cause it started a fire”? A clear, blatant reference to Raheem Sterling’s recently discovered dab hand with a water sprinkler. Probably.
“Now it’s England 2 Colombia 0,” she declares. “Now”. In the present tense. “And I know just how those Colombians feel.” How does she feel? Just listen. Sad. Colombians feel sad. Because they’re going to lose.
Look, an important facet of any supposedly psychic activity is the suspension of disbelief. So just trust us. Be confident. Football is coming home. Your mum knows it, your dad knows it, your favourite source for music news, reviews, and interviews knows it. Stop fighting it. Get a pint. Have a flutter. It’s happening. England 2, Colombia 0.