Five Stage Musical Biopics That Would Probably Be Better Than Jeremy Corbyn: The Musical

So, there’s to be a comic musical about gaff-prone Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, entitled Jeremy Corbyn The Musical: The Motorcycle Diaries, written by two guys called Rupert Myers and Bobby Friedman. It will be staged at the Waterloo East Theatre in London in April and will suffer from the fact that right-wing people are not funny. The play has been described as both “James Bonds meets The Karma Sutra” and “a no-holds-barred political satire.

Apparently the plot will focus on the time Corbyn allegedly embarked on a motorcycle holiday in East Germany with fellow Labour politician Diane Abbott in the 1970s. If you needed a reason not to rush out for pre-sale tickets, Myers has invited theatre-goers to: “Come for the subtle analysis of Corbyn’s world view, stay for the kind exploration of the man’s excruciatingly awkward sexual awakening.” BARF.

Anyway, which other stage musical biopics might be more appealing than Jeremy Corbyn The Musical: The Motorcycle Diaries? We summoned the smell of greasepaint and got to work on some imaginary ones we’d like to see…

Noel The Musical: Don’t Look Back In Anger

A tense one-act play set backstage at the infamous Paris gig at which Oasis split in 2009. Liam violently lobs a plum at his brother in a blistering, bloody riff on the Biblical tale of Cain and Abel. Only three people turn up to watch the first performance on opening night, all former members of Liam’s disbanded Beady Eye project.

Lana Del Rey: The Musical: Playin’ Video Games

The story of a whirlwind romance between aspiring star and her badboy biker boyfriend. What begins as a stormy, deeply passionate affair ends up as a muted, Pinteresque tale of quiet resentment and repressed sexuality as the bloke in question gets bang into Tekken.

Sleaford Mods The Musical: Bunch Of Cunts

This isn’t so much a one-man show, as frontman Jason Williamson rallies and rails against anything and everything that comes into his head, from student grants and spiralisers to Litvinenko and the way the last few slurps of a Calypso is nothing but juice. No, wait, that’s just a Sleaford Mods gig.

Miley Cyrus The Musical: I Had A Dream

The twerky pop star apparently once wrote a song, ‘Twinkle Song’, about her dead dog. A sample lyric: I had a dream I was being chased by a monster / Maybe they were aliens / But I wasn’t scared because you were there”. This three-act play is an epic tale of one woman and her dog on epic, psychotropic journey through space and time. Think Naked Lunch meets Marley & Me.

Kanye The Musical: I Am A God

In which ‘Ye is persecuted by douchebag petition-signers who don’t think he should he should have been at Glastonbury and spit upon his Bowie tribute album, which was never really a thing anyway. Before the curtain falls, he rises above all this petty petition nonsense – literally – ascending to Heaven on a crane, just like the one he styled out during his Bibilical Glasto set.