Jesse Eisenberg Declares War On Critics – Read His ‘Satirical’ Film Review

In news completely unrelated to the fact that Jesse Eisenberg’s latest film, American Ultra, has been receiving crap reviews, the actor has written an article taking the piss out of film critics. The Guardian’s coverage of this story carried the delicious headline: “Jesse Eisenberg angers film journalists”. Picture them shaking their fists, their glasses steamed up, screaming, “EISENBEEEEEEEERG!”

The piece, entitled ‘An Honest Review’, was published by The New Yorker and is a spoof review of a non-existent film, with Eisenberg adopting the persona of a bitter, petty critic whose personal limitations have clouded his judgments of the movie.

“This week, I’m reviewing ‘Paintings of Cole’, which I didn’t like, because the press screening was all the way uptown, and there were huge delays on the J train,” the piece begins.

It continues: “Before the film started, the studio girl who set up the screening smiled at me and thanked me for coming. She told me her name, but I wasn’t paying attention, because I was trying to work out whether sleeping with her would be a conflict of interest.”

The penultimate paragraph reads: “In sum, these are the main problems with ‘Paintings of Cole’: it was inconveniently shown on the Upper West Side, written by a guy I envy, screened by a cute intern whose name was too confusing to remember, based on an idea that I poorly executed in grad school, and praised by the Times, which rejected me.”

Ho ho ho! You got us bad, Jesse! At the risk of criticising Eisenberg’s criticism of film criticism, the piece is crushingly unfunny, with a lame recurring gag about the journalist not being able to remember the name of the girl he fancies (“Rebecca? Rachel? Or it could have been something weird. Reba? Are people still named Reba?)”.

But then, as a lazy and forgetful sexual deviant who has written reviews for money, I would say that.

In an interview with The Chicago Tribune, Eisenberg explained that he recently read a negative review of a Woody Allen film. “The review said something along the lines of, ‘Woody Allen makes another movie. This one doesn’t really work, but hey, he’s doing one a year. Slow down, Wood-man.’ And I realised the guy was not criticising the movie. He was criticising his own lack of productivity and laziness, vis-á-vis Woody Allen’s productivity. But instead he was putting down the movie.”

Fuck! Get out my head, Jesse Eisenberg, the only man since David Brent to use the phrase “vis-à-vis”.