Kanye West And Other Musicians That Need Musicals

“This is a story of a struggle against the man to become the man. It’s about a guy who took a shot at the throne and didn’t miss. This is the tale of Kanye.”

So declares the Facebook page for Kanye West: The Musical, due to run in Sydney in September, which will tell the life story of everyone’s favourite goofball through tracks written in the style of the rapper.

It seems so wrong and yet so right at the same time. You can tell without reading any more that it’ll be horrendous. No-one can write “in the style of” Kanye. Kanye’s Kanye – he writes his curses in cursive you know – and any attempt to ape him will make you look like a monkey. Nevertheless, if there was a figure that was owed a musical, it’s Mr West. Kanye West, not Fred West. Dominic West has that covered already.

So anyway, who else deserves to be immortalised on the stage? Here’s some musicals we’d like to see:

Pro Bono Publico
From a giant, bulbous kumquat in the middle of a theatre in the round a star is born, butt naked except for a large pair of yellow specs. From there the audience follows one man’s quest to save the planet through widescreen pop and lots of open mouthed shouting. Terence Malick directs this hitherto un-attemtped multimedia extravaganza featuring 720 degree surround sound, a one-off Broadway charity gala event with all profits going to The Edge’s retirement fund.

Johnny Borrell – From Muswell Hill To Infinity
Jon Heder of Napoleon Dynamite fame plays the Razorlight motormouth, screaming onto the stage astride a Harley Davidson before recounting this one-of-a-kind human being’s wondruous life, from rock god to philanthropist, A-list star, fashion icon, orator, and the moment he switched the rest of his band for extras from Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Pigeon Chest over an a capella version of ‘America’ on repeat.

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber: My World 3.0
In which advances in technology allow animatronic animation of a four month foetus to portray the famous 11-year-old hip-pop crooner, and the cast of Channel 4’s Seven Dwarves leave their show in Woking to portray a series of short shawties that shit on Justin Bieber’s heart. Metaphorically speaking, of course, we think.

Jedward – The Final Curtain
A first for the theatre world as tough times see the pair star as themselves in a musical of their lives. To add insult to injury the performance, at Bracknell Leisure Centre for one night only, is the world’s first snuff play as the pair don outfits to each play the back end of the same, double-butted, donkey and climb into an adapted cannon to be shot into Wokingham city centre.


Who would you like to see made the subject of a musical?

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