This week has been all over the place. I’ve been working like a mule putting the finishing touches to my new UK tour and getting ready for the launch of Sky 1’s Bring The Noise – a game-packed music entertainment show hosted by Ricky Wilson with team captains Tinie Tempah and Nicole Scherzinger. I’ll be trying to be funny alongside them every week, but mostly I’ll be there just to remind people how gorgeous and Hawaiian Nicole is. If there’s ever a moment of doubt like, “Wait, is Nicole’s level of beauty achievable by a human woman?”, they’ll just cut to a shot of me in a vest, eating cheese and holding a sign that says, “Here’s your answer!” I can’t wait for that cheese.
I’ve followed Nicole’s career ever since she was a contestant on Popstars, an American television series that documented the search for the next big girl band, creating the group Eden’s Crush. (Cheryl then-Tweedy got her break on the UK version, Popstars: The Rivals a year later.) It’s completely worth watching back on YouTube. Popstars saw hundreds of young women audition from across the US, but settled on 10 hopefuls for the final. Hilariously, a few dropped out at the last minute for reasons that were then considered to be valid: “I’ll miss my family”, “This isn’t the right fit for me”, “I’d like to finish school”. Nowadays, you’d be laughed out of Hollywood with those bullsh*t sentimental excuses, as a teen mum next to you pushed her infant son forward to become the next Justin Bieber.
Music mogul and producer David Foster took one look at the 10 finalists and said, “Nope. We don’t have enough strong girls to make a group.” So he held more open auditions to find the right talent. Burrrrrn. He did that in the finals! Such a slap in the face to those who had made it that far. What followed was a massive queue of California babes singing Britney or Christina into a sound booth. Half of them were actresses whose vibe was like, “Whatever. I’m tired of waitressing and I don’t particularly want to have sex for money.”
I spotted Taryn Manning of Orange Is The New Black [she plays Tiffany ‘Pennsatucky’ Doggett] belting out ‘Genie In A Bottle’ during that final! How did they not choose Taryn Manning? Obviously Nicole Scherzinger was chosen. She was chosen first. She’d been the only shoe-in from the start. Judges knocked on her door and announced her victory while she sat in the front room wearing a cowboy hat with only her mum for company. Nicole’s mum cried as though she had psychic powers and knew what Nicole would ultimately achieve beyond the reality show.
Popstars filled the rest of the group with Nicole’s glorified backing dancers; kind of a precursor for what her next band Pussycat Dolls would be. Their first single, ‘Get Over Yourself’, went to Number One in Canada. With the amount of times I listened to it, I might’ve personally had a lot to do with that. “Get over yourself, goodbye/It must be hard to be you, yeah, livin’ in your life” are words I’ve recited to many an ex boyfriend.
I’m gushing over Nicole Scherzinger, I know. But we haven’t started working together yet so don’t you worry, I’ll let you know if she turns out to be evil. Disappointingly, I’ve only heard good things.