NME columnist, Katherine Ryan’s got something to say. This week, body shapes, buying houses and The Panama Papers… they’re related, honest.
Has Taylor Swift had her bum done? The singer’s appearance at last week’s iHeartRadio Music Awards in LA prompted musings on Twitter that she’d gone under the arse-knife.
Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s put anything in Taylor Swift’s booty. (Now, now). She’s either climbed a bunch of stairs, or more likely is wearing padded pants – I’m not ashamed to say I’ve worn them and I’ll wear them again.
Because a typical butt lift involves inserting implants through an incision at the top of your crack. You know, where we had a tail before we evolved and started doing smart things like shoving plastic into our ass cheeks.
While it’s an idiotic risk to your life, cosmetic surgery is meant to be aspirational – look how boob jobs went out of fashion when everybody got one. Soon, ladies with more cash than confidence needed a more exclusive way of looking like a sex doll, so they took the implant game below the belt.
“Does my bum look big in this?” used to be the question that kept husbands on their toes. It’s weird that “Yes, dear, enormous” is the only acceptable answer in 2016 (check with me again next year).
Anyway, I love that rich women have otherwise decided to be skinny. Back in the ‘Let them eat cake’ times of the mid-1700s, food was genuinely scarce, so carrying extra weight was a sign of wealth. Rich people were fat and poor people were dead.
In the developed world today, it’s fair to say that most of us have access to ‘food’ – even if it is from the McDonald’s 99p menu. Therefore the truly minted have collectively decided that they’re TOO IMPORTANT to eat. They’ve so much food that they’re like, “I don’t want it,” in a baby voice.
“Does everyone have vanilla mushroom protein?” they’ll ask. “What about stoneground almond butter or Shilajit resin? No? Then I want those because I’m SPECIAL.”
Sorry, I’m just cross with the upper class at the minute because I can’t buy a house. Trying to get on the property ladder as an immigrant is like being a six-year-old joining your older brother’s game of Monopoly right at the end. You can’t win. My landlady is an 89-year-old woman with several properties that were purchased probably before she could legally be on the deed.
Every year, I pay more in rent than the original cost of the house. US presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is absolutely right when he says it’s expensive to be poor. Everyone who rents is investing in another person’s wealth.
I’m not even poor but the distribution of property and wealth in this country makes you want to get planning permission just to take one brick from a baron’s manor and smash him repeatedly in the face with it.
And now the Panama Papers leak reveals more about the elite’s tax havens. Of course that’s happening – because those who make the rules don’t have to follow them. Make no mistake, we’re all getting done in the bum.