Edward and Tubbs, Papa Lazarou and the rest of the characters from bleak black comedy The League Of Gentlemen are returning, but what would they be doing in 2017?
According to Twitter declarations from Reece Shearsmith and Mark Gatiss, The League Of Gentlemen – the ultra-black comedy that spewed forth from the sick minds of Shearsmith, Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Jeremy Dyson in 1999 like blood from the noses of anyone sampling Hilary Briss’ special stuff – is set for an anniversary show, presumably to air in 2019 after the writers reconvened over a reunion game of Go Johnny Go Go Go Go. Which poses an intriguing question: just what would these classic Cumbrian freaks be doing in the modern age? Here’s what we’d like to see…
Edward and Tubbs: Leave Campaign Masterminds
Everyone’s favourite inbred serial killers died in Series 3, of course, hit by a speeding train as they ventured, for the first time, out of Royston Vasey using one of their snow globes as a map. But had they survived until 2016 they would undoubtedly have been heavily involved in the Leave campaign – from the safety of the local shop, they would have designed a Brexit bus fuelled by Tubbs’ urine, making twelvety stops around the Royston Vasey area bearing the slogan ‘There’s Nothing For You Here’.
Papa Lazarou: Celebrity Psychic
When Derek Acorah left Most Haunted in 2005, the obvious replacement would have been Papa Lazarou, thanks to his supernatural ability to contact dead Daves from throughout history. This would have made Lazarou a shoo-in to win Celebrity Big Brother in 2013 – despite prompting an international ‘blackface’ racism row he would have swept to victory by making all of the other housemates his wives and forcing them to speak gibberish in the diary room.
Barbara Dixon: Trans Heroine
Taxi driver and celebrated transsexual Barbara Dixon would, by now, be a figurehead of the trans rights debate and an icon for the gender-fluid. Her book Neither Nowt Nor Summit would be a bestseller, she’d currently be guesting on HMLTD records and every public establishment would be installing a third toilet marked ‘Bab’s Lavs’.
Mr Chinnery: TV Vet
With such an abundance of TV channels to fill, Channel 5 would undoubtedly have leapt on the chance to screen Mr Chinnery hosting a show called When Animals Explode.
Legz Akimbo: YouTube ‘Sensations’
The notoriously argumentative theatre group would have been early stars of the internet when the performance of their ‘Commun-ativity’ in which Mary and Joseph have a fist fight because Mary’s landed a role in The Bill is filmed by a student and racks up 300 million views on YouTube. Their subsequent YouTube channel only has 23 subscribers, but they keep at it.
Hilary Briss: Manchester Drug Lord
May 2017: police investigating the suspicious number of Mancs slumped around the city centre on ‘zombie drug’ spice raid a butcher’s shop in Wythenshawe and arrest its mutton-chopped proprietor under suspicion of possession with intent to supply an unspecified Class Z substance. He’s later released without charge by a chief of police with a nosebleed.
Les McQueen: Spotify Sucker
Finally, in 2017, Les McQueen gets his big break. Crème Brulee’s ‘Voodoo Lady’ is sampled by Avicii and becomes a monster streaming hit, with 3.7 billion Spotify plays. In line for 10 per cent of Crème Brulee’s cut of the royalties (the other members got 30 per cent each because of an Anti-Twat clause in their contract), Les buys a whole new PA in anticipation of the celebratory comeback tour, then excitedly rips open a cheque for 12.7p. Shit business.
Pop: Property Magnate
The buy-to-let explosion would have made Pop a multi-millionaire property oligarch owning most of South London and funding his line of Pop branded landlord spyhole cameras and Ass Master chain of strip clubs. The gentlemen’s club industry hails him for raising the tone after Peter Stringfellow.
Pauline: Terrorist Rehabilitation Officer
Sacked Restart officer Pauline Campbell-Jones would have found her perfect new job the day Guantanemo Bay opened, preparing terrorist suspects for their release back into society in her inimitable clipboard-in-the-face style. She’s joined by the scruffy video store teenagers, who’ve grown up to have jobs analysing ISIS videos for the number of killings.