We’re predictable as ever, here in Britain. Not content with simply enduring the slow trudge through the dying months of winter, wrapped up in a thousand layers as spring stays frustratingly out of reach, we long for a suitably downtrodden soundtrack, too.
Enter Lewis Capaldi, and ‘Someone You Loved’, an absolute heartbreaker of a ballad, schmaltzy as hell, and perfectly befitting of that winter months self-flagellation we love so well. We bloody love being miserable, admit it.
An open-ended ballad on loss and love (read: easily applicable to any and all personal misery) ‘Someone You Loved’ has been sat pretty at the top of the UK Singles Chart for six weeks now, perfectly encapsulating the gloomy sentiment of a frost-whipped nation hurtling toward Brexit. It’s ten tubs of ice-cream and a rom-com on a Friday night, put to tape. It’s tragic. Just like you.
You know who else is just like you, though? Lewis Capaldi. Because, you see, unlike most other sad-lad-piano-men (that’s the official genre nomenclature), ol’ Lewis is a bit of a weirdo. He’s not a polished, perfectly-stubbled crooner who’s probably only had his heart broken when the barber was out of his favourite hemp-based beard oil. He’s an awkward, self-deprecating normie. He’s also declared his own debut album “is not the best album in the world, it’s not the worst, but it’s worth the money and you should buy it.” Seems fair.
What’s more, his Instagram is every bit as neurotic as yours. He does that whole ‘talking to the camera’ thing, but it’s from uncomfortably up close. You can probably see his nose hairs, if you’ve got one of the newer iPhones. He bleats on and on to his audience of ‘nearly a million’ about his weight, dons progressively weirder pairs of sunglasses to liven the mood, and generally acts like a long-lost Inbetweener. It’s enough to make you forget that ‘Someone You Loved’ is, like, really fucking sad.
Below, we’ve rounded up a bunch of occasions on which Lewis Capaldi became, in the words of The Kids, a Big Mood.
He can’t be fucked to get a personal trainer
— Kyomi (@kyomixox) April 9, 2019
You would do it, right? It’s just the money that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’d love to get up every Saturday morning and go sit in a sweat-dripping PureGym being shouted at by a guy called Darren about how you shouldn’t have had that Maccy-Ds on the way home last night.
It was only meant to be a couple of drinks after work, you’d love to tell Darren. You were gonna have two wines and then get the train back and eat your meal-planned boiled chicken and rice, and get an early night. Imaginary Darren’s had enough of your lies. And so have we. You’d have more than enough money if you stop putting it in Ronald McDonald’s pockets every Friday. And you know what? You just can’t be fucked. Neither can Lewis.
He can’t be fucked with the schedule
It’s fair to say, given the whole ‘six weeks at the top of the charts’ thing, that Lewis Capaldi is really quite famous, these days. Of course, with being famous, you have to do certain things that you’d probably not do. Like eat dinner at a certain time. Or go to places that are likely to be busy. You know what? Being famous sounds shit. Lewis knows that. He has to live it. Sometimes he has to go to the O2 and risk being recognised by someone who can differentiate his particular average face from the seas of other average faces in that enormous cavern of concerts and chain restaurants. He’s right. Can’t be fucked.
He can’t be fucked with dieting
— leila wallace ? (@leilawallace) April 7, 2019
Five fruits and vegetables? Four pints of water? However many grams of protein and carbohydrate and blah blah blah? Nah. “Eat shit. Look like shit. Feel like shit.” That’s the Capaldi Diet. Sign up now for the low, low price only one soul-crushing moment of existential dread when you look in the mirror per month!
He can’t be fucked with people who mess with his music
‘Someone You Loved’ is a lot. It’s one of those songs that’s fine-tuned to, as they say, ‘hit you in the feels’. It took him months and months of banging his head against the wall to get the perfect feel, he told NME in a Song Stories interview last year. So why, why, why, why, why the fucking hell has this person gone and put a donk on it. Honestly, Lewis, we’re so sorry. Humanity is a plague.