Still no sign of that new Grimes album ‘Miss Anthropocene’ – but at least we know why she might be lacking in spare time right now. Partnering up with Stella McCartney for a new, eco-friendly Adidas collection, the Canadian artist announced her involvement in the campaign by sharing an absolutely serious and not at all tongue in cheek influencer post, which details every single minutiae of her daily routine.
When Grimes shared her admittedly complicated ‘training regiment’ with the world today, a few people’s immediate reaction was disbelief. Who has the time to dedicate 1-2 hours to sword fighting? Or the means to perform highly experimental eye surgery on a whim? It was almost like Grimes’ entire routine was exaggerated for comedic effect – a piss-take, even!
But then, it’s almost believable. Celebs love doing weird things like cloning their own dogs and applying blood face masks, and besides that, aren’t we all obsessed with it, too?
Because, haven’t we all, at some point in our lives – usually after making a New Years resolution vaguely relating to ‘being better at skincare’ – found ourselves absent-mindedly slathering drops of salicylic acid serum all over our parched faces, after purchasing several vials of mystery liquid from a very aesthetically pleasing shop? Haven’t we all gobbled down a capsule of cod liver oil in a frantic attempt to be more healthy, frittered away an unused gym membership, or suffered from a full-blown existential crisis while wearing a sheet mask? There’s a reason why “the wellness industry” is worth well over one hundred billion pounds, and there’s also a reason why UK consumers alone spent £442 million on vitamins last year. Everyone fancies the idea of being a bit more healthy and calm, and if it can be achieved without dropping a couple of hundred quid on a ‘large singing bowl’ from Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness shop, well then, everyone’s a winner.
Taking things at face value and it’s actually quite possible to Grimes up your self-care routine, and on a modest budget at that! Like so…
Take a 360 approach to training
We’re guessing that Grimes means this in a ‘mindset’ sort of way. Maybe she’s talking about putting together a well-considered routine that helps to improve every single aspect of wellbeing: whether that’s optimising fitness levels, harnessing full creative potential, or encouraging quiet moments for reflection. Or, she might just be talking about jogging around in circles. Let’s go with that.
Maximize mitochondria function
Though ‘mitochondria’ would be quite a decent name for an artsy new buzzband from Leeds, it’s the name given to the tiny little baked-bean shaped powerhouse inside a living cell. Its job is to convert fat, sugar, and protein into energy – which is then shipped around and put to work by an organic chemical called Adenosine triphosphate. ATP for short, it’s the energy source for all living cells – it’s impossible to survive without it.
Though there’s no proven way to directly boost ATP levels, some people do take supplements containing some of the chemicals that the body uses to produce it. NAD+ and Acetyl L-Carnitine do occur in the body naturally anyway, and we generally get enough of the third – magnesium – from eating food. That said, surely it’s worth wolfing down a load more anyway, just to see if it turns you into a super-fuelled version of yourself. Get thee to a Holland & Barrett.
Cost: Approximately £16.42, if there’s a good deal on
Spend 2-4 hours in a deprivation tank to maximise astral glide
Or alternatively, get the Central line from Epping to Ealing Broadway at rush hour to enjoy the sensation of being crammed into a tiny, tiny space where you’re not allowed to make eye contact.
Sword fighting sessions
Not all of us can afford to hire the services of the American martial arts James Lew – who ONCE taught ACTUAL BRAD PITT TO SWORD FIGHT – but this doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. There are quite a few apps out there now which allow you to ‘swap’ useful skills with other people in your area. If you happen to have an in-demand talent – say, assembling IKEA flat-pack furniture or speaking fluent Elvish – get signed up, and do a skills trade with a local fencing enthusiast. Sorted.
Isn’t this just a fancier way of saying “power-walk up a bit of a hill”?
Another truly democratic form of self-improvement, you don’t need to be rich or famous to indulge in some stretching. A big yawn in the morning? That’s a stretch. Reaching something from a tall shelf in a supermarket for a polite old lady? That’s also a stretch, and also a really kind thing to do. This one is easy. Next!
Fine-tune your neuroplastic goal
Amazingly, Grimes seems to have access to a brand new kind of neuroplasticity machine which can measures something called AphC – the optimum level lying somewhere between 57.5 and 71.5. APHC also happens to be the abbreviation given to Association Des Pharmaciens Du Canada, which is almost definitely a coincidence, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Grimes – who happens to be a Canadian musician – was looking for a new acronym to borrow. Nope!
Never fear, though, because without the ability to measure your AphC’s, you can also boost neuroplasticity – your brain’s ability to build new neural pathways – by doing crosswords, learning an instrument, sleeping, eating fish, or avoiding stress.
Cost: It’s 80p for a pack of Basics fish fingers from Sainsbury’s, and a quid for a crossword book – that should do the trick.
Drench your living space in red light
Most lightbulb retailers sell red bulbs for under £2. It might not be bright enough to create the sweltering hot 1000ft Infra-red sauna which Grimes describes, but it’ll certainly help to keep the electricity bills down.
Hold a daily screaming session
Irritable neighbours notwithstanding, this should be a pretty simple activity to incorporate into your daily routine – just keep the decibels within a healthy range, and try not to over-strain the vocal chords. To be fair, this seems quite sensible. Every time I read the news, I feel the urge to screech eternally into the void anyway – why not just embrace it?
Sip some slow-boiled honey tea
Another very sensible idea, to be honest, because who among us does not appreciate a piping hot mug of sweet, warming honey tea? Don’t quite get the logic behind the whole slow-boiling malarkey – perhaps it’s a way of making sure that all those magical nutrients don’t get sizzled away by the kettle? Heat your water exactly as you wish, tbh.
Cost: Tesco sell jars of honey for £1.75 – and it should last at least a week
Eliminate blue light with an experimental ‘ultra-flex polymer’
This one’s a bit tricky, because, look, not all of us can be doing with the logistical hassle of heading into a lab with our mate to cook up an orange ultra-flex polymer that cures seasonal depression. t’s brilliant that Grimes managed to remove the “top film of her eyeball” without incident, but let’s be realistic here – unless you happen to be like, a leading scientist or consultant eye surgeon, I would wager that few people in this world possess the medical aptitude to confidently create and graft a bespoke optic implant to their own eyeball, without having some sort of calamity along the way. This is the sort of thing that should come with a “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” warning – Grimes’ regime seemed entirely reasonable up until now, but this has just gone too far.
Luckily enough, it’s possible to block out blue light – which is mainly emitted by digital devices like phone or laptop screens, fyi – in a variety of other, easier ways. Firstly, you could gather together all of your electronic devices into a pile and torch them (accidentally positive side-effect: lots and lots of red light instead). No more devices, no more blue light, right? Or try installing an app which cuts out blue light by forcing your device screen to adapt to the time of day. Wear glasses? Just willingly go along with things next time your optician tries to upsell you fancy lenses to help with computer eye strain. Bingo.
Cost: free, if you play your cards right
Humidify your life
With change left over from thirty quid, courtesy of Argos. You’re welcome.
So there you have it – it’s entirely possible to Grimes up your life, for the humble sum of £53.06. Some people would pay more for a single jar of face-cream, wouldn’t they? What a bargain.