Turns out that here in the United States of America, the Super Bowl is kind of a big deal. Now, I’m all for tubby men pushing each other to the floor in the name of entertainment, but it can get old hat pretty quick. Hence the game saver that is the halftime show and its 12 minutes of musical majesty. At least that’s the idea. Here’s what we’ve learned from Madonna’s performance…
1. That it might be a bad idea to kick off proceedings with ‘Vogue’, simply because it reminds everyone that Madonna’s days of being a genius and relevant pop proposition are at least 20 years behind her.
2. That said, we hope the Olympics committee were paying close attention, because in terms of pure spectacle, this is what they’re going to have to top. If we don’t see Muscle Mary gladiators, winged chariots, horned Egyptian gods and a Busby Berkeley-style production with M.I.A in a monogrammed leather loincloth in Stratford come July, we’re going to be mighty disappointed.
3. While Madonna and Nicki Minaj seem to be taking the whole ludicrously camp spectacle very seriously, M.I.A – quite brilliantly – looks like she’s taking the piss; all smirks and sarky pom-pom thrusts.
4. And then she gives the finger. To the 100 million people watching at home. Good work M.I.A., very good work.
5. LMFAO will never, ever be acceptable – even if the once and former queen of pop decides to mount the taller one’s shoulders wobble about and holler a line from one of their ‘songs’.
6. ‘Like A Prayer’ is still an amazing track – ven if the woman writhing around on her knees singing it is wearing a high fashion flasher mac dress.
7. Disappearing in a puff of smoke is a bloody good trick if you can do it, but in terms of execution, the Wicked Witch of the West’s version has never been bettered. Best not steal her moves Madonna, or she might set the flying monkeys on you.
8. What is impressive though, is a 53 year old woman doing a cartwheel that somehow involves placing her head into a dancer’s crotch. Is that what rich folks really learn at Bikram yoga?
9. We’re pretty sure that everyone, including Cee Lo Green – who isn’t too shabby when it comes to belting out a tune – was miming. Now Tom Petty, Prince and Bruce Springsteen – heck, even the Black Eyed Peas – sang live during their halftime shows. We demand an explanation.
10. And finally, is it just us, or is it weird to finish up advocating ‘World Peace’, when the show’s leading lady was dragged on a by a prowling army of fighty looking Roman soldiers?