Greetings from the underworld! This week, I am in my hometown of Sarnia in Canada for my baby sister’s wedding. Sarnia boasts one of the largest collections of petrochemical plants in all of North America, meaning that each resident is exposed to 1.8kg of industrial pollutants every year. But don’t worry – the owner of the plants, Mr Burns, got Smithers to tell us how totally safe it is. And it’s not like they put it near the rich neighbourhoods – Chemical Valley lies alongside Aamjiwnaang First Nation Reserve, affecting mostly our indigenous peoples. It’s environmental racism, y’all! This is a Louis Theroux special waiting to happen. The place is like Blackpool without the character. There is nothing to do here but Fentanyl. But enough about what I’ve been up to.
A couple of weeks ago, I read that Lindsay Lohan had attended a friend’s wedding and might have run around naked, etc, but most notably DJed from her phone and played Brandy & Monica’s ‘The Boy Is Mine’ 10 times in a row. Yes, 10!
*breaks for applause*
Ladies and gentlemen, our girl is back. Am I dreaming or is Lindsay Lohan a beautiful and perfect genius?! Who else could pull that off? They would have intercepted Kate Moss or Lily Allen two tracks in. This, the best story I’ve ever heard, has inspired me to put together my own perfect playlist for the blessed nuptials. Congratulations to my sister…
1. Ra The Rugged Man, ‘Effin Yo Bitch’
2. The Doors, ‘Back Door Man’
3. Taylor Swift, ‘You Belong With Me’
4. Carrie Underwood, ‘Before He Cheats’
5. One Direction, ‘Steal My Girl’
6. Joe Jackson, ‘Is She Really Going Out With Him?’
7. Sloan, ‘The Other Man’
8. Bruno Mars, ‘When I Was Your Man’
Meanwhile, I’m being relationship mentored by Britney Spears who said in concert recently that all men can “suck my toe”. I won’t bother googling her ex, but I know in my heart he wore Crocs. Remember when that video emerged which was supposed to show him kissing a woman who wasn’t Britney? According to TMZ, before it could be sold to any tabloids, Britney’s father bought it and threatened legal action against anyone who broadcast it. If that’s true let’s do a quick tally of the things Jamie Spears now owns: 1. This video. 2. Britney (since 2008, she has been under the conservatorship of her father). If he did buy the video, he literally owns the woman like she’s real estate.
It was said that his purchase was made “to save Britney the embarrassment” of people seeing her boyfriend cheating. Whoever came up with this reason, back the fuck up. So, if your partner demonstrates the attention span
of a goldfish and goes with someone else because you’ve got better things to do than tend to him all day, you’re the one who should be embarrassed? Cheating is never about you. Halle Berry’s been cheated on. Cheryl Fernandez-Versini’s been cheated on. Rob Pattinson’s been cheated on. And those are just some of the ones who talk about it. Most don’t.