Katherine Ryan On Kim, Kanye And Troublesome Exes

When I very helpfully tried to catch you guys up with the Kardashians a few weeks back, some clutched their vintage bass guitars and whined, “This has NOTHING to do with MUSIC!” And their mums were like, “Keep it down, Harold! We agreed that you can live in the basement for as long as you’d like as long as you respect the rules of this house!”

Look, Harold. Kim K is the first lady of music whether you like it or not. Married to Kanye West, the self-proclaimed greatest artist of all time, she’s basically a modern day Sharon Osbourne, Priscilla Presley, Shannon Tweed, Heather Locklear or Mrs Carter (although admittedly, it took some convincing for Beyoncé to even sit next to Kim at first).

In case you missed Kanye’s Twitter beef with rappers last week, I’ll quickly walk you through it. Wiz tweeted something about ‘KK’, which apparently means marijuana, but fans took it to be a ‘Kim Kardashian’ reference. Kanye lashed out BIG TIME in a series of tweets, mostly ranting about his new (and greatest) album (of all time) ‘Waves’, but then focused in on the mother of Wiz’s child – who also happens to be Kanye’s ex-girlfriend – Amber Rose. Quoting his own song, Kanye wrote, “This girl got you for 18 years… You let a stripper trap you.” Kanye has slammed his ex before, most notably calling her unclean when he said, “I had to take 30 showers before dating Kim.” How many Slut Walks does Ms Rose have to schlep along before people stop shaming this woman for having been an exotic dancer?

This is about ownership. Kanye happily likens himself to God and it’s clear to me that he’s under the delusion that on the sixth day, He created Amber Rose. He went on to take responsibility for the existence of Wiz and Amber’s child, I guess by the logic that by splitting up with Amber he manifested an opportunity for another man to impregnate her. “You wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me… You own ‘Waves’? I own your child!!!”

Ladies and gentlemen, let go of your exes! I’m dealing with an idiot on my end who emails every few months to see if I’ve “calmed down” following our break-up which was YEARS AGO. All the signs were there. During our ill-conceived courtship, he kept a list of all the women he’d slept with before me on an Excel spreadsheet. A collection of sorts, like a very unsettling trophy case.

Kanye ended up apologising for bringing the kid into it and everyone relaxed because hey, we love Kanye! I love him. He’s increasingly hilarious. But in this case, I’d say he apologised for the wrong thing. It’s not like he insulted the kid, like, “Tell the boy he’s ugly and can’t ride a bike.” He targeted Amber directly, assuming it would also hurt and undermine Wiz. Kanye owes Ms Rose that apology and should then leave her alone to get on with the life that she independently created without him. And at some point he should also try a finger in his asshole.