NME’s Columnist Katherine Ryan: ‘Posh People Blow My Mind’

We don’t have ‘posh’ in Canada. It’s just not a thing that exists. We have rich people; there’s an oil guy, our own slightly less-sinister version of Rupert Murdoch, and a man who makes famous chips. Mostly, it’s all ‘new money’ in North America where there are rappers richer than your queen. We’ve got a handful of private schools and even fewer dynasties, so we don’t really operate on a class system. I understand the shock experienced by a British person after being told that a world without class exists. ‘But… but how do you know who to be friends with?!’ you cry. I guess we just work it out based on similar interests.

It always takes me a few extra steps to figure out what’s going on in British culture. The other day, I read a Sport Relief post on Twitter made by one of the Made In Chelsea kids that said, ‘I’m proud of my brother for winning at Henley’. Oh Christ. I imagine that Henley is some kind of initiation at Cambridge where you fuck chickens for sport. Thankfully, it’s not (yet). Google tells me that Henley-upon-Thames is a place. I remember from touring that ‘upon-Thames’ usually means water, so I look up ‘Henley boat race’ and sure enough, they host a Royal Regatta. I learn that Regatta means rowing and Royal means prick, and by this time, I’m late for the school run. Perfect.

Posh people blow my mind. Apart from empathy, they’re good at everything – true survivalists. In America, the more money you earn, the less you do. I watched an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians once where Kim squealed, ‘OMG, remember when I used to dress myself!?!’ Bitch, my three-year-old could dress herself. Regressing back to an infant state is nothing to be proud of. Rich Americans don’t drive themselves, don’t cook, don’t do their own nails/hair/make-up, don’t shop, and I suppose all they’ve got in common with rich British people is that they don’t raise their own kids either. Apart from that, the privileged in Britain live like Bear Grylls but with an education. Shit. *Googles* Bear Grylls went to Eton College?! BUT OF COURSE HE DID. Posh people hunt, they know what a pheasant is, they shoot plates out of the sky for some reason, they swim, they sail, they ski.

Skiing is ridiculous. I just spent a week at the amazing Altitude Comedy Festival in Austria which was mega fun and truly beautiful, but no one could get me down that mountain. The other comedians brought me to the tip of the Alps and without so much as a lesson said, ‘Now you ski’. How white is that? Nothing says ‘There is no risk or danger in my actual life whatsoever’ like hurling yourself down a cold, crowded mountain with blades strapped to your feet. I have a family. ‘But, you’re Canadian!’ They protested. Yes, but I’m from the flat, poor part of the country. I left those posh bastards in the snow and found a group of Germans drinking mulled wine to hang with in the après-ski bar. We, as it turns out, have similar interests.