NME’s Columnist Katherine Ryan On: The Oscars

Every week Our columnist Katherine Ryan has her say on what’s going on in the world. This week, she talks about that big film awards ceremony that everyone was really into.

Why would you watch an Oscar-nominated film unless you’re mad enough to purposely experience feelings? Bleh. I’m not interested in catching those. I cried just watching Chris Rock’s opening monologue – partly because I’d found an illegal stream of The 88th Academy Awards that kept freezing – and yes, I always tune in for the ceremony. Eighty million people saw it this year, unable to wait to find out if we all still had the same number of Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio. I hadn’t seen any of the movies, but I think I could give some solid reviews based on what was broadcast from Los Angeles’ Dolby Theatre on the night.

Brie Larson won Best Actress for Room, which was also up for Best Picture. I find it odd that ‘Brie’ is the only crossover cheese name. Have these eager parents not tasted Camembert? Halloumi? I recognised her straight away as Amy Schumer’s sister in Trainwreck. She was lovely in that, but intentionally humourless. I have little time for sincerity. Room is about a kidnapped and brutalised woman who spends 24/7 locked in a small space with her young son. Take away the forced confinement, that’s the life story of every new mother in Britain. I don’t think I spoke to anyone apart from my daughter for the first two years of her life. Violet speaks to me in her sleep. And I can hear her because she rests with both legs across my body and one tiny hand on my face. Her speech picks up speed and verbosity come morning, at which time she’s also mobile so follows me around the flat. It’s basically Room. (I haven’t seen Room.)

The Martian stars Matt Damon as an idiot who goes to Mars on purpose. If the Oscars are racist, I’m space-ist. I will remain unsympathetic to whatever happens outside this planet until someone can tell me what’s at the bottom of the ocean. This film was better when it was called Castaway. Tom Hanks was too busy to notice he’d been ripped off because he was making Bridge Of Spies with Steven Spielberg. Oh good, a war movie! If it’s about Russian spies, you can count me out. The Soviets lost more people in WWII than all the other nations combined. I don’t need to know what they were up to during the Cold War either. When I need Tom Hanks to upset me, I’ll watch his cameo in Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘I Really Like You’ video.

I’ve heard rumours that in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio gets raped by a bear. I fantasise a phone call where his agent is like, ‘We’re going to get you that Oscar, Leo. But you’ve gotta do something for me, champ,’ and Leo’s like, ‘Anything.’ The agent blankly goes, ‘YOU. Are going to be RAPED. By a BEAR.’ Leo absorbs this for a minute. Silence. Then he explodes with ‘SHOW ME THE HONEY!!!” while leaping around his mansion. (I have not seen The Revenant.)

Spotlight won Best Picture. It’s all about child abuse. I’ll see you at the cinema when Trainwreck 2 comes out.