Notes From The Underground – Converge Takeover: Nate Newton Reviews ‘Cloverfield’ Live

I just saw ‘Cloverfield’… it kinda sucked, maybe? It’s sort of like ‘Blair Witch Project’ meets ‘Godzilla’ meets ‘Alien’ meets ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ meets ‘Starship Troopers’ meets a Williamsburg loft party.

The pros:
Lots of shit gets blown up.
Relatively hot chicks.

The cons:
Should have been called ‘The Blair Godzilla Project’
No boobs.
Not at all believable.

Now…. some random thoughts I had during the movie in sequential order:

Oh great, a movie about people who shop at Hollister.

How the hell do these kids afford these apartments?

Do people really have stupid parties like this?

I’ve never seen a “testimonials” video.

Damn, his brother’s girlfriend is fine.

I hate his stupid friend.

Why does his stupid friend like that chick? She looks like if Zooey Deschanel was on meth.

OK… there are giant fireballs falling from the sky and they hit the building you’re in, and you’re REALLY still filming right now? That shit woulda been dropped quickly.

The Statue Of Liberty thing totally ripped off ‘Planet Of The Apes’.

So dude’s brother just died and the first thing he thinks to do is go find the chick that’s cheating on him??

Those space monsters have some fucked up dander.

Wow, MY phone doesn’t work in subway tunnels.

I wonder if they’re gonna run into the homeless people from ‘Dark Days’.

This girl just ran across half the fuckin city through an apocalyptic battle zone with monsters and bombs AND SHE’S STILL WEARING HEELS?????

This reminds me of ‘Alien’. If ‘Alien’ sucked.

Wow… fighting off alien monsters in the dark. Still wearing heels.

Now that chick REALLY looks like she’s on meth.


So apparently you can jump from rooftop to rooftop of collapsing buildings during the apocalypse and not die.

She has rebar stuck through her chest. And she’s talking. She’s actually still pretty hot. Would.

How the fuck are you running? You just had REBAR THROUGH YOUR TIT!!!

Hmm. You just survived a full-on helicopter crash. And you’re STILL filming. Really?

That camera has a long-ass battery.

Can videotape even survive a nuclear explosion?

Maybe this is actually the greatest movie ever made… the basic gist is that a giant monster from space comes to New York and kills all the yuppies and hipsters…

…nah. This sucks.