When I was 10 years old, my parents brought me and my little brother to Disney World for the first time. We went to Epcot Center and we rode Journey Into The Imagination. I remember being totally blown away by the visceral experience of this ride… the bright colors, the happy songs, the ride bouncing to and fro, the furry fluorescent colored animatronic monsters that were such happy guides on this true adventure into the boundless and limitless corners of my very mind. At 10 years old I was completely mind-fucked by this ride. I remember thinking that if this is what taking drugs is like, then I want some drugs IMMEDIATELY.
Fast forward 22 years. I haven’t felt that way since then. That is, UNTIL I saw the new ‘Rambo’. I WAS that little 10 year old boy again, except this time instead of pastels and singing monster friends it was a nonstop explosion of complete bloody violence and total shock and awe. I was dumbfounded and on more than one occasion had to ask myself if I did in fact see what I just saw. It was a fucking masterpiece of automatic weapons and blood. And on a completely refreshing note… there was no uplifting story, barely any dialogue, no underlying sociopolitical themes… just pure unadulterated American action and violence… in Burma.
My original plan was to count how many people get killed, but at a certain point I realized that there was absolutely no way I could keep track anymore. It was THAT awesome.
So now… Random thoughts I had during the movie in sequential order:
This song sounds like ‘Californication’.
I’m glad they didn’t waste money on sprucing up the logo.
Damn, brown people are sweaty.
OH SHIT! BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! BURMESE FOOTBALL! (American-style, for you Brits).
Ok. That was the best first line Stallone has ever had in any movie EVER.
That missionary chick is hot.
Oh wait… until she started talking.
Lady, put on a poncho or some shit.
If they kiss I’m leaving right now.
Those pirates don’t look anything like Johnny Depp.
YES! FUCK YES!
Whatever, fuck him Rambo. He don’t know shit. Keep it real, Rambo.
“I have no legs. I have no legs. I have no legs.”
OK. Well I just lost count.
Wait… did he… is that… was that a fucking baby?!
Oh shit! BAYONET!
Run Fuckers! BOOOOOMMMMM!
You know, the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure that WAS a baby.
Yeah we know. Of course you need his help asshole, he’s fucking RAMBO and you’re just some old dickweed.
See? Now THAT is a man right there. He doesn’t answer yes or no… he gets up and FORGES HIS OWN FUCKING SWORD.
Jesus, why do the British think it’s funny to complain about everything? And also.. Mr Bean fucking sucks. Seriously.
Who is this reject from a Reverend Horton Heat concert that won’t shut the fuck up? Is this supposed to be like that scene in ‘Predator’ when they’re listening to Little Richard?
OK. Don’t take Rambo with you, asshole. It’s your funeral.
I love Burmese football.
OH SHIT! BOW AND ARROW UP YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER! HIAWATHA! LITTLE BIG HORN BITCHES!
Look, I know they probably smell like oyster sauce and armpit… but seriously. The Burmese know how to fucking PARTY.
Literally every woman in this movie either gets raped or killed. Except the white girl. What’s up with that Sly? Hmmmm…
Damn. How that white dude gonna run anywhere with no feets?
Wait… OH… that’s why he didn’t try to… the girl… oh my. I mean, he DID wear very stylish sunglasses.
OK white girl, it’s time for racial equality. It’s your turn to get raped.
OH YES! YOU AIN’T GOT NO THROAT NECK NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!
——————-skip ahead a little——————
Stallone has a high opinion of Asians, apparently. Instead of killing and raping everything they come in contact with, in THIS scene they’re just living half naked in caves like human rats with flies on their faces. Nice touch Sly.
RUN RAMBO RUN!
What are you doing with that claymore Rambo? OH! Very crafty, Rambo. Very crafty indeed.
BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!
——————skip ahead a little——————–
HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!
This is like Caligula except instead of rabidly fucking each other, everyone is getting shot in the face and exploding.
YES… GET ON THE TRUCK… TAKE THE GUN… YES!
OOOOH SHIT! THAT DUDE JUST GOT EXPLODED!
Oh the irony. The peaceful man of god smashes a dudes head in with a rock. I love this movie.
OK. Solid 5 minutes of the giant gun. Awesome.
Damn. Bye bye, Ray Bans.
I wonder what the R stands for? Rick? Russell? Randy? Rudy? Rob? Rocco? I guess We’ll never know.
Jesus that was good.
I feel like I just gave birth.