Notes From The Underground – The Ghost Of A Thousand Tour Diary, Part 3: Sexy Policewomen And Bad Luck

This tour is cursed. Don’t get me wrong now, this tour is tonnes of fun and we’re very lucky to here yadadada… blah blah blah… seriously who the fuck cares about us saying every show is great? How bleedin dull… what you’re here for is the gossip and the mishaps, and fuck me haven’t we been lucky with them. After the bus broke down again and we missed another show (sigh, good night Barcelona) we’re just about limping on our way to Madrid in Neddy the Wonder Bus and a horrible metallic scraping noise fills our ears. Our tour manager Emre and myself clamber out onto the highway to see our driver scratching his bald head and standing in the space behind our bus where our trailer should be. And it ain’t. It ain’t fucking there. At all. Or even in sight. At all.

It’s one of the moments where you don’t really know what to say apart from “I’ll get my jacket on”, and then all we hear is the slapping of sneakered feet on the tarmac and we career back along our path to try and find the errant trailer. All thoughts go to the worst case scenario or rather the many options : it’s upside down in a ditch, it’s killed a bus load of school children, it’s exploded leaving flaming musical equipment lodged in trees, vehicles, local nuns etc etc. As luck would have it, and luck is a dumb cunt who hates us by the way, it’s not only not killed all of Spain, but is sitting with only a small new dent and a cheeky smile by the hard shoulder, but oh shit here are the Police.

Some things just work out ok – Policeman turns out to be a sexy Police lady which makes matters a little more bearable but less so when she yells at us for not having the required emergency triangles and lights needed to drive a bus in Spain. We charm her as best we can mainly by attempting Spanish; that fails so we resort to looking pathetic and wretched, something which comes naturally. Cue dragging the corpse to a garage and re-welding the trailer to the back and arriving after all this 5 minutes after doors in Madrid to actually play one of the best shows of the tour.

But how dull is a happy ending?