Oscars 2013 – The Least Boring Things That Happened

Yesterday was Oscars day in Los Angeles and yet again, my ticket got lost in the post. Outrageous. I dealt with the snub as best I could and as helicopters buzzed overhead – no doubt carrying all-important items like John Travolta’s hairdye and Jack Nicholson’s Viagra – I settled down for the Most Glamorous Night Of The Year. At least, that’s what it’s supposed to be, but with the glory days of Grace Kelly, Liz Taylor, and heck, even Cher behind us, the Academy Awards ain’t what they used to be. Still, it wasn’t a total snooze-fest.

Kristen Stewart arrives on crutches
There’s a number of ways to make a memorable red carpet entrance. Dressing up as a pond-dwelling bird is one – here’s looking at you Björk – and hobbling in on crutches is another. What happened? Who knows. Even Kristen didn’t seem too sure, simply shrugging “I’m an idiot” and rolling her eyes like she’d rather be in a pool hall in Arizona chatting up drunken truckers.

Jennifer Lawrence takes a tumble
If you’re going to wear a giant melted marshmallow on your bottom half, then expect to get toasted. On her way to pick up her Best Actress gong, Lawrence stacked it quite spectacularly, which put her off her entire speech and no doubt led to one Hollywood stylist waking up today without a job.

Adele being Adele

Need to jazz up your dull, uninspiring awards ceremony? Just add Adele! Comes in three different varieties – giddy, sweary and cockney.

Peter Griffin hosts
Am I the only one who finds it hard to hear Seth MacFarlane speak without just hearing Peter Griffin from Family Guy? Next year why not go the whole hog, and have a cartoonish fat guy with a terrible sense of humour host the show. Just like the Brits.

Les Mis wins best make-up and hairstyling

Isn’t Helena Bonham Carter’s hair just that crazy naturally?

Captain Kirk’s cameo
The arrival of William Shatner as the ghost of Oscars future was bizarre. The fact that he only seemed to be there so MacFarlane could sing a song called ‘We Saw Your Boobs’ – which listed all the female actresses present who had gone topless – was even odder. We wonder if Jamie Foxx’s ballsack felt left out.

Shirley Bassey
Shirley Bassey is alive. And she looks AMAZING.

Quvenzhané Wallis’ dance

Best Actress nominee Quvenzhané Wallis, for Beast Of The Southern Wild, might not have triumphed against Lawrence, but the category’s youngest ever nominee definitely won Best Celebratory Bicep Pumping Dance. Which, when you’re nine, is probably just as good.

Indie babe alert
We are officially in love with the actor/writer/star of Best Short Film winning Curfew. Shawn Christensen is a total indie heartthrob, with rock star good looks that come from his years fronting not-too-shabby NYC guitar types Stellastarr. He also wins Best Dude Hair of the evening, with Adele-collaborator Paul Epworth coming in a close second for his slicked back salt’n’pepper ‘do.

Jaws strikes again

Using the Jaws theme to get winners with unnecessarily epic speeches off the stage might just have been the bitchiest – and in other words the most outright entertaining – thing the Academy has ever done.